Merry Christmas Meat Lovers

Battered Sav Pilot Puts An End To Christmas

Happy Christmas from the Battered Savs

Sneaky calls for Calm

Tanzania

Battered Sav poster boy, Sneaky Pete has had to call for calm after a group of locals lost the equivalent of up to 7 years wages. Sneaky showed the locals the art of Texas Hold Em, and told them that there would be "no way that the could lose there money". Sadly he was terribly mistaken.

One young man has had to cancel his only daughters wedding after he decided to double up the money that had been set aside for the big day. Word spread around the village that 6 men have lost up to $4 AUD (eq. 7 years eages) throughout a torrid day where the dealer bent them over the proverbial table. A village meeting was called (as pictured) where locals were allowed to express there disappointment to the master himself. Sneaky was forced to call for calm on a number of occasions when locals threatened to "chop of his black jacks", he then pointed out that he was indeed a fellow man but of different colorisation. This did not go down to well with the locals as Sneaky was forced to flee by horseback to the neighboring country of Kenya.
All in all, Pete has been quoted as saying that it has been one heck of a successful trip and that he had to sign the "bringing back over $10,000 AUD into the country" box on the incoming immigration card as Customs.

Merry Christmas

mmmmmmm. Who is that nice young lad...

Quote of the Day - Soccer

H.G. Nelson:
"Closes the door. Big images, big images, hands in the air, scoring well with the hands in the air, I don’t think I’ve seen a better hands in the air today. He’s battered the sav again beautifully there, and it must be swelling now, it must be starting to hurt."

Gambling's Childs Play

Tanzania

Sneaky Pete has once again spread some good 'ol fashioned Aussie spirit by declaring "you're never too young to gamble" to a crowd of young village people in downtown Tanzania.

Demonstrating the various theories and strategies of Blackjack, Sneaks delighted the crowd with his indepth knowledge of cards and all casino based gambling. Pictured here explaining the ins and outs of how to ask the dealer for another card, he made light work of explaining complex card counting algorithms to the kiddies. There were even chants of "Come In Spinner" from the crowd as Sneaks taught them all Two-Up.

Sneaky is in Tanzania promoting gambling as part of a new global initiative called "Lets All Gamble Before Its Too Late". The campaign is targeted at people across the globe who haven't yet been to a casino, or who may not have access to online gambling.

The Gods Must Be Crazy

Tanzania

Battered Sav all-rounder and all-round good guy Sneaky Pete has been selling his bookmaking strategy around the world.

Spotted here with a village local, Sneaks has been touting the benefits of his winning formula at the track to anyone who will listen, including the man pictured who doesn't even understand english.

Listen carefully and you can hear the passion in his voice and the expression in his hands as he promotes responsible gambling to a continent not yet even able to afford such pleasures as gambling, let alone the basic necessities. Dressed in his trademark Armani suit, with a Zegna shirt and tie, Sneaky amazed the locals with his simple yet effective betting formula that has seen him dominate Randwick on any given Saturday.

"I love people, and people love me. People here say they are happy, but look what gambling did for Sydney.... people were wandering around thinking they were happy, when they weren't. And now look at them! It just adds such a rich tapestry to the community"

Proof is in the Pudding (so to speak)

Sydney - After much public whisper, innuendo and shamig, the issue of Hollywood and the "The Bowel Growler" has finally been put to rest.

A brief media conference was called at 10:00pm (AESST) last night by the management team of Hollywood, to announce to the world that he and Mrs Hollywood are now the proud parents of Baby Hollywood. In a pre-written statement, Hollywood commented about how he had endured the 31 hour labour saying that it had been "tough" but he'd manage to pull through it "ok".

In amazing show of commitment to the SAV's, Hollywood has made himself available for selection for tonight's Grand Final Qualifier saying, that he had "life time" to get to know Baby Hollywood, but only tonight a chance of glory.

From the SAV family to the Hollywood family - CONGRATULATIONS on the arrival of Baby Hollywood.

BRILLIANT

Peter Roebuck

What a performance it was last night. The Sav’s played brilliantly and hit top gear leading into the finals.

The Sav’s turned up in full force last night focused and determined to send the Newtown boys packing back to Wacko St, aka King St.

Having a couple of there so called “stars” pull out of the match at the last minute The Sav’s were ready to turn on a show.

Winning the toss and sending the Mongrels in bat the Sav’s started brilliantly. Taking the new ball Dabber who was recalled days before the game stood up and balled with pace and bounce. Getting 2 early run out’s meant the Sav’s were in a strong position.
With the first pairing struggling for runs, the Sav’s placed the pressure on them and they finished the skin with 13 runs on the board.

Insider reports told The Sav’s that the 2nd pairing was their best and needed to be really focused on. Ocky and Slick had the task of keeping the scores tight. Ocky was swinging the ball from side to side and had the batters in all sorts. Slick balling rockets, managed to bowl a ball that smashed into the batters hip, he then proceeded to fall down like the twin towers!! The paring finished the skin with 16 runs on the board and the Mongrels had 39 in the bank at the half way mark.

Shami aka Peter Taylor was spinning the ball and tempting everyone to hit him for six. Unfortunately for them they hit the ball straight to Tempter who took a screamer of a catch and would take on Tucan’s catch for the sort after trophy of classic catch of the season.

With the final pairing in, big Kel came charging and the got the Sav’s first hat trick for the season. The Sav’s went nuts and the batsmen’s were fired up and ready to unleash. With the Christmas lights flashing they managed to get back into the game and finished with 38 for the skin. The Sav’s needed to chase 87 to win the game.

Arjuna gave Reebs and Tempter the role of getting the boys of to a great start. They gave him the best start that he could have wished for. No outs and runs central commentators were calling it. Place managed to place 56 on the board in the first skin. Reebs worked the net while Tempter piled 35 runs on his stats!!

Winning the skin and in a solid position, out walked Kel and Arjuna, with a couple of early wickets the boys stuck their heads down and played simple indoor. Working the nets and keeping the runs ticketing they place a solid 32 on the board.

The Sav’s weren’t finished yet, Shami and Dabber wanted in on the party as well. Dabber hit a brilliant six off their spinner and Shami was timing the ball with class.

With a 113 in the bag, Ocky and Slick walked out. Wanting to stamp there authority as title favourites, they smacked the ball everywhere. Ocky was on fire and placed the highest total of the season on the board with a total of 40 runs. They finished with 62 runs at the end of the skin. Ocky said post match “I can’t believe I batted that well, I didn’t bat with my brother in Arms Tucan this week, but I wish he was here to share this special moment.”

It was a brilliant win and one that will go down in the history books. They won by 90 runs in the semi-final and really showed why they are the favourites.

Early this morning at the official media conference Captain Arjuna made a statement saying the Sav’s may forfeit the next game and use the back up game to get into the final as they have no players for this game! A decision will be made either today or tomorrow on the fate of the Sav’s.

The Sav's great escape

Peter Roebuck

Last night saw the mighty Sav’s play to secure a spot in the finals and finish 3rd place on the ladder.

Things didn’t get off to such a great start with stand in captain for 5 secs, while the main captain Arjuna was practising his stoke play, Hollywood lost the toss. Being sent into bat the Sav’s looked very relaxed and ready to turn on a show.

All that practise before the game must has done Arjuna some good, as he finally started to hit the ball well and worked the nets. Batting with the unit him self “Kel”, they formed a good partnership and the score board was ticketing over faster then then a dog eating a bone. Finishing the skin on 41, it gave the Sav’s the foundation that they needed.

The next pairing comprised of Hollywood and Slick. Slick was under a lot of pressure to perform this week after a batting display last week that could only be described a “Crap”. The crowd in bay “End of the Net” were also having a few digs, yelling out “Give us a wind mill Slick”. Putting his head down saw the pairing place a solid total of 38 on the board.

Out walked the masters of the net, Tucan and Ocky. Looking to improve on recent weeks performances, they started off well and were looking solid. The brothers in arms were working the net, but then things turned for the worse with a couple of flucky run outs and catching saw the pair come back to only place 31 on the board. Ocky was quote in saying “This is bull, I need to score runs and I’m feed up of all this pressure that is placed on me, place it on Tucan!!!” The Sav’s were now in a great position to stamp their foot down.

Out walked Mr First Grade aka Tempter and Reebs. With his head struggling to fit into the net, Tempter showed why he was selected to play 1’s last week. Brilliant stroke play and great running. Unfortunately this was only a dream and the boys helped the total to a solid 21 and finished the team with 132 on the board.

For the first time all season there was some cockiness creeping into the Sav’s as they thought they had already won the game before they started bowling. There was no talk in the field and things were quite. The turning point in the game was when Tucan took the catch of the season. The crowd went nuts and Ocky was kissing and hugging him like no tomorrow as his catch won the skin!!! It will be in the memory of everyone who saw it for years to come as he stretch full length to his right, plucked it from mid air and rolled 3 times to hold the catch.

The Sav’s were alive and things started to turn, winning the first 3 skins the Sav’s looked like they had the game in the bag.
But the opposition started to fight back and things were getting tense. With the last over needing 11 runs to win it was up to Tucan to win the game. With 3 balls to go, they needed 2 runs to win and things looked like they were going pair shaped for the Sav’s. But the next to balls saw a caught behind and a run out and the Sav’s were victorious again.

Marching into the finals the Sav’s knew they just got away with that win.

A massive crowd is expected next week to see the Sav’s take on the Newtown Mongerals to move onto the next round and one stepcloser to the Grand Final

In breaking news there has been some uproar in the selection of the team for Monday. Insiders say there could be a couple of moves on Monday night that will place pressure on the Sav’s. Whoever is selected will be trying their hardest to keep their spot as a number of ‘Guns” will be back in for the next game.

Who is the wise guy?

Arjuna

Sacked legend and one time cry baby, DABS has finally spoken about his sacking from the Savs cricket team. When asked if he was playing this week DABS stated, "even though all of these retirements move me into the top eight, I am feeling a little tender and I think that I need to have a little bit of a cry in the corner about the stats, so I'm not sure if I can make it..." This was again seen as confirmation of DABS weakness, by the self appointed selectors and so a swift decision was made to get rid of him. When we finally contacted him all DABS could say was "Who is the wise guy, this article appeared on the blog today?" Although no one has admitted to the article it is quite clear that someone within the Savs team has it in for the stalwart and former champion.

DABS Sacked

Roebuck

In a most controversial decision the captain/s and selector/s for the Savs have sacked stalwart and future hall of famer DABS from the current Battered Savs organistation. In an interview with under siege co captain, Hollywood it was stated, "Dabs is old and slow. Sure he has had his moments and he was one of my heroes but any comeback to those days just will not happen - He is gone. Look it wasn't my decision alone, Arjuna doesn't like him much anyway" Commontaters around the world were shocked at the ruthlessness of the Savs leadership team and when they finally found Arjuna down at the Harold Park raceway were not surprised by his comments, " Dabs was a legend but the time has come to get rid of him. How can we allow Dabs to make any sort of a return to former glory? Frankly I offerred Dabs a nice little retirement in my homeland but he just wouldn't take it - I have no time for him any more" when asked about his family Arjuna was very direct "I don't care about them or him or any one but myself and my family" Arjuna went on to say "Look I have had it with all of this critism this year. There are a few players who have taken it to far with their on field antics. I have been critisied for my choices on field and I don't like being questioned" From the surface it appears that Hollywood and Arjuna have constructed a nice plot and can now get rid of Dabs even though he was beginning to strike form.

Dabs could not be contacted for comment.

The Sav's go Matching on.

Peter Roebuck

Last Thursday night saw the Sav’s turn up to the FDICC looking to secure a spot in the upcoming finals against the four place team, “Text me Shane”

With Captain Arjuna back in the line up it meant that the Sav’s needed to be on there game. Winning the toss and electing Shane to have a bat (Against the bowling that is), the Sav’s were looking to fire early.

The first pairing got off to a solid start placing 30 odd on the board early. There were some missed opportunities, but the Sav’s were in a good position seeing the strongest pairing finished.

The intensity of the Sav’s was getting to the Shane’s. The little pocket rocket aka “Tempter” overheard them paying the crap out of the Sav’s saying quote “These guys are way too intense and take it to serious!”

Hollywood also heard this gutter trash and mentioned to Bay 19 crowd “Mate are you going to the Finals??”. An air of silent filled the bay as they tried to have a comeback….

Whilst the “Dumb” bay were trying to work out Hollywood’s words of wisdom, the Sav’s were smashing the next pairing. The blind society was batting brilliantly in trying circumstances and showed the crowd how to best lose your wicket. Suddenly there was uproar within the Sav’s as Captain Arjuna, called for the ball. Knowing full well his stats are well below average, he thought he would be selfish and bowl his final over to the Blind. Unfortunately this did not work in his favour and managed to get no wickets. A Sav was quoted in saying “I’d rather get my wickets against top batters, then abusing my power to bowl to someone who can’t play”.

The crowd thought it was Christmas as the lights on the score board were flashing as the Sav’s tore through the final pairing with some great bowling from Hollywood, Tucan, Apoo and Slick.

With a massive total of 54 to chase the chase started off well with the Co-Captains Hollywood and Arjuna placed a solid 30 on the board. The Shane’s knew the game was gone by this stage and out came Tucan and Ocky looking to show the massive crowd how to play the game. To everyone’s surprise there were a small number of wickets in their pairing, they manage to still win the skin but Tucan came off so he looked like a father who just caught his daughter in the act!

Dabber and Reebs united again after a break from each other and batted well. They were nudging the ball all over the net. They were running well between the wickets and looked like they were never going to get out, but yes that is wishful thinking and there were a number of wickets.

The most interesting part of the evening was yet to come. Out came Slick and Apoo looking to get some batting practise in before the finals. They were batting well until the final over. The first ball Slick was facing, he smacked the so called “Pie Chucker” for six. With Apoo taking a nice single giving Slick the strike again. Things started to get interesting now, when what only can be described as the biggest “Brain Fart in all time” occurred. Slick was stumped 4 times in the over. He was fuming and held his rage in very well. Post match Slick said “I’m shattered, but glad I didn’t hit the crap out of the wicket keeper!!! I haven’t done that in years, but I will be back next week looking to open the batting and place a good score on the board!”

The Sav’s are now in 3 place looking to finish 2nd on the ladder with a win next week.

The team look like they may miss a couple of stars in the next couple of weeks and we will see the true character of the team as the chase their 1st premiership in over 10 years.

Pictures of Captain and Vice Captain of the Battered Savs........

Hollywood loves to be loved: Thompson

Former captain Bruce Thompson says star leg spinner Hollywood is insecure, hits out at current star all rounder Tucan for the Smut that he has allowed to permiate in the current team and takes aim at the self appointed selector in his keenly awaited autobiography.

Prime Minister John Howard will launch Thompson's "Getting Hit in the Eye" here tomorrow with publishers Penguin reportedly paying 1.3 million dollars (975,000 US) in the biggest advance paid for an Australian book. Thompson, who retired as Bruce’s 8 skipper in January 2000 after 16 matches and 1500, runs, confirms reports from the 1999 cup that Hollywood had problems with his captaincy. Thompson also reveals Hollywood, the Battered Sav’s like to be leading wicket-taker, to be a fierce but insecure competitor. "Hollywood needs constant support, encouragement and reassurance that he is the man," he says. "He loves to be loved."

Thompson has little time for current star Tucan, who once described him as a selfish cricketer, but says he was baffled as to why he didn''t like him. "It might have been that I praised the work of Grouch, who was his sworn enemy, or that I didn''t spend hours in the bar drinking and regurgitating old cricket stories," Thompson writes.

Mending the Hairbear Fiasco

By Phill Gutts


From the outside, it appears the Hairbear/Battered Savs situation has been handled poorly. Granted, we don't know details of the settlement; nor were we at the board meeting to hear all the evidence.
They want us to believe Hairbear has been a naughty boy and had to be cut. It's been reported that both parties are happy with the result.
I don't think either scenario is entirely true.
Several issues the club raised against Hairbear remain unproved.
Even if they were true, they could be best described as trivial and certainly don't warrant the sacking of any player, let alone a long serving local junior such as Hairbear.
My information is that Hairbear simply realised he was unwanted by the Battered Savs, so to avoid a lengthy legal battle over his money he has accepted a financial settlement and walked away.
In my column on October 15, I wrote: "Loyalty is the most overused and least understood word in Indoor Cricket . . .
"Many clubs have what I call selective loyalty. They are loyal when it suits them . . .
"If loyalty was at the backbone of Indoor Cricket then there is no way the Battered Savs would be trying to unload a player like Hairbear."
I don't think I need say any more.
However, I will continue down the path of criticising the FDICC salary cap laws, because there's no doubt in my mind that the Battered Savs' precarious salary cap situation has exacerbated the Hairbear matter.
At this point I turn my sympathy towards the Battered Savs because I think it's highly unfair they are in this situation.
As I look through their player roster for this season, I note that the vast majority of players are either local juniors or came to the club from country areas at a very young age.
From the top 25 players on the Battered Savs roster in 2005, only Slick, Reebs and Kel could really be classified as imports, having started their careers with other clubs.
In fairness, I could question why the Battered Savs would need to buy players from outside their ranks. This has obviously put unnecessary pressure on an already bulging salary cap budget.
How does a club get into such trouble?
I know sometimes match fees and bonus payments can be unpredictable but the Battered Savs' dilemma appears to be far more than just an accounting error.
What about greater safeguards from the FDICC?
How does the FDICC continue to register contracts from any club when a simple calculator could tell it the club was getting into the deep end of the pool?
Surely the FDICC could keep a simple running total as contracts are registered and question the clubs about overspending long before the clubs admit to the errors themselves?
But back to the Battered Savs.
As it stands, players such as Arjuna, Hollywood, Dabs, Hairbear, Grouch, Sneaky, Tempter, Tucan and Apoo have been with the club for many years.
Why should the club be forced to unload any of these players (or even some of the younger players in their ranks) simply because they have become great?
It's ridiculous.
Surely a discount system for talent development or long-term service is way overdue.
If such concessions existed in the salary cap laws today, I firmly believe the Battered Savs would have been able to honour their agreement with Hairbear rather than having him put through the public embarrassment we have just witnessed to get him off their books.
Go to the National Basketball League website (www.nbl.com.au) and study their salary cap points system.
All players from clubs are given a player rating out of 10 and each NBL team can total no more than 66 points.
The rating provides concessions and rewards for loyalty, long service and development of younger talent.
It makes for very interesting reading and could give us food for thought that when brain power and a little elbow grease is applied to a simple problem, more often than not a simple solution can be found.
Perhaps it will inspire someone out there to come up with a sensible alternative for the ridiculously unfair salary cap laws in the FDICC.
And it could save clubs and senior players from having to go through unnecessary public spats the like of which we have witnessed from the Battered Savs and Hairbear.

WHO WILL BE IN, WHO WILL BE OUT?

By Arjuna

This is the question on people's lips all over the country as the battered sav look to finalise there squad in the lead up to the possibility of there first premiership. After many failed finals across 3 different venues, the Sav's aren't going in too confident as the Sheik of Tweak loom as a major threat.

Statistical analysis has shown some major suprises as too who is actually contributing from week week to week and the selectors are faced with some major questions in the next week. Much debate rages as to wheter the selectors look to play just the one spinner in apoo or also bring young tempter into the squad and wait to see the pitch condition on game night. Much speculation has emerged over the state of the wickets. According to officals at the FDICC the wicket to prepared is to "offer a bit to both the bowlers and batsmen". "In case of rain we may be forced to implement dramatic repairs as seen in the 1995 Australian tour to the West Indies where the Jamaican officials were forced to fuel the pitch and light it with a match". FDICC officials have reinforced the fact that they will do everything in there powers to keep the roof on in the lead up to the big night.

This also brings into question the debate over the middle order batsmen. Hollywood, Tucan and Grouch have all but sewn up there spots and speculation is being fuelled as to who will be brought into bloster these 3. Slick, Reebs, Dabs, Apoo and Kel have all been throwing there hat in the ring with the impending finals looming and sneaky leaving Australian shores for the 'Oil for fresh produce and meat programme'. As afore mentioned young tempter is also doing everything to catch the eyes of the selectors with a great performance 4 grades above in 1st grade on thursday night. Rumours persist that his bowling was first class although batting was 'one to forget'. Dabs has been soild over the last 2 weeks with only 1 dismissal in between all of his dabs, misses and LBW in the outdoor version of the game. Speculation has been fuelled that he may be drug tested with the sudden speed increase which has eleviated calls to hang up the bat.

Selectors and fans alike have been looking to the heavens to make sure that the umpire courtesy of Silverwater prison is left to serve drinks and not officiate in the game of the year. Dabs has come out saying that he is even willing to perform 'special favours' in order to ensure good decisions. Slick has been asked by selectors to put aside his undisciplined antics and keep his head down over the final qualifying game. The middle order may open up even more as Grouch and Hollywood may be called in for 'family duties' over the semi final week period. Grouch has wedding anniversary commitments while Hollywood is expecting a liitle one on Monday of that week. This may place pressure on selectors to bring in fringe dwellers to carry the hopes of a nation.

What will happen? All we be revealed in the next fortnight. All that we can say for sure is the sav's will be using the Australian Socceroos as motivation whatever the situation.

Sneaky has also been asked to pull his finger out and focus on business meetings as opposed to putting his 2 cents worth from the other side of the world. "Comparing the Savs to a church volleyball game is outrageos and he should be reprimanded said sav stalwart, Tucan."

ROOKIE OF THE YEAR HEATS UP

By Tucan thensome

With only one round remaining in the 2005 FDICC season, most of the talk has surrounded the Sav's and there march towards the first week in december. Lost in much of the debates is the Rookie of the year award which is to be presented at the end of the finals series. Players in contention include Slick, Reebs and Kel.

Slick who made an early impression with startling bowling performances and dynamic batting has slowed in the centrebet betting market according to Henry Winkler of the Northern Territory betting agency. With his recent undiscplined batting under pressure, Reebs has sparked a late run with punters and has now firmed with three different agencies. Solid bowling and batting (all be it very baseball like), Reebs has been very consistent and has put alot into the minds of selectors. Both players are contributing on and off the field with Slick providing in depth match reports and Reebs masterful statistical analysis lighting up Internet screens around sydney on friday mornings.

Weighing into the equation is darkhorse Kel who has registered wonderful bowling statistics and has also contributed socially organising liquid buffets at the Five Dock hotel as part of pre match preparations. Selectors have got a difficult decision ahead of them over the next fortnight.

Centrebet Odds

Reebs $2.25
Slick $3.50
Kel $4.00
Greg $12.00
David A $25.00

Hairbear Trades The Bat For The Mallet

Australian Pensioner's Monthly

The Ashfield RSL Indoor Crocquet Club has apparently embraced long time cricketer for Battered Savs, Hairbear, in a surprise switch of codes for the big man.

A tearful Hairbear spoke openly at a press conference this afternoon saying how he had given up trying to get back into the team and thought he would be better served playing crocquet. "I just love the pace of crocquet, its enjoyable, and there's a vibrant social scene too. So far this week I've been an indispensable member of the "Wrinkled Sav's" crocquet team, they can't get enough of me. Plus we play Bingo, put a few dollars in the pokies, and after all that, we dance the night away at the club after the game." This was confirmed by witnesses claiming seeing a tall Greek man at the club making a complete arse of himself after a few schooners.

Fans of Hairbear are said to be angered over his resignation. People have paid up to $3 for a Powerade to sit and watch Hairbear in action at the FDICC, and there's no chance of seeing him there ever again.

Members of the Battered Sav's are said to be saddened by Hairbears exit, but apparently nothing could repair the ill-feeling among the team ever since the text message scandal that embroiled Hairbear earlier this year.

'I am now focused on the future'

Nagraj Gollapudi
November 25, 2005

Tucan’s rampaging strokeplay has elicited comparisons with Bruce Thompson. While no doubt flattered by it, as he confides to Nagraj Gollapudi, Tucan is now more concerned with fitting into whatever role his team wants him to.

Would you agree your current form is one of the best in your career so far?
Yes I am, it's because I'm older and wiser and I am learning slowly how to play this game.

Wazza, the Mongrels captain, termed you as their nemesis after your match-winning performances in the recently concluded FDICC series. That must surely be a confidence-booster?
Definitely, it's a confidence-booster for a person like him to refer to me as their nemesis. But I know I have to maintain the consistency and keep on improving.

People are beginning to think you are the next Bruce Thompson. Did you ever think of filling in his boots?
I don `t look at myself as a Bruce Thompson, but to be mentioned in the same breath is an honour. But I do believe that I have a long way to go before I can measure up to him.

With your powerful strokeplay, when you walk in to bat, do you think any target could be possibly achieved?
I believe when I get in I can achieve a stiff target that has been set. The secret is to give yourself time and set yourself.

Statistics indicate that you have a better batting rate when chasing a target rather than while batting first. Does that suggest something?
I don't' think it suggests anything but it will even out as my career continues.

Also you seem to have a handsome average batting in the lower middle-order - at numbers six and seven where you average 27 and 33 respectively. Do you think there is a certain sense of responsibility that revs you up?
I think this time around in the Battered Savs team, my role has been well-defined and because of this I'm enjoying the responsibility and thriving in an awesome setup.

Could you tell us how this transformation happened. You seem to have come a long way from your debut in 1997-98?
I don't think it is a massive revelation. I believe I've grown older and wiser and reading the game a lot better than I used to.

How important was it for you to fire against The Mongreld, especially after the sense of disappointment back home over losing the last series?
It was crucial for me to fire against them, because if I had failed I couldn't have been given another chance.

Considering that you have become a pivot, expectations would be higher from now onwards. Does it change your mode of thinking when you play the matches here onwards?
No, I shall continue to play my normal game of attacking cricket. But the most important thing is to play responsible shots.

Your new challenge begins with the FICC Final series, a place where you played for and lost many final series in the past. What are your memories of that finals series and did you find it difficult to adjust and acclimatise in any way?
I found it difficult because as a young cricketer I did not know what to expect.

This time around what kind of adjustments do you think you should make to prosper on the flat and slow FDICC wickets?
I shall be drawing on all the knowledge of the senior players and to be more patient with my game.

With allrounders like yourself and Hollywood adding freshness, do you think this team can hope to match the feats of the great sides of the 1990s?
I think with the team spirit and the leaders that the side have, anything is possible.

Hollywood anoints Tempter

By Robert CraddockNovember 25, 2005

Hollywood has tipped Batteredsav’s spin bowling renaissance to continue through the deeds on again off again Spin star The Tempter.

Hollywood and fellow leg-spinner Apoo are set to continue their bountiful partnership in the upcoming final series at the FDICC. Hollywood feels it is inevitable that Tempter will follow them into the final series.

"I have spent a little bit of time with Tempter. I think he's very, very impressive," Hollywood said of the 25-year-old Batteredsav.

"The general word around first-class cricketers is that he is a real good bowler and all rounder. I faced him last year. He has all the toys. He is young. He has got a bit of fire about him.

"He will definitely play for the Savs. It is just a matter of when.

"It is good to see we have a genuine off-spinner."

It was speculated that had the back injury Hollywood suffered due to an accident at a prominent Oxford Street Night club prevented him playing in the final series, Tempter would have been called in.

Tempter's first-class figures are excellent for a finger spinner and if he maintains that form he is a certainty to make future tours. Though the Savs are poised to play two spinners in the final series, debate continues as to whether the ground is slightly overrated as a slow bowling venue despite the huge turn on offer in the recent cup matches.

"It has taken me a while to understand how to bowl at the FDICC," Hollywood said. "I haven't taken many five-fors here. Generally you have to bowl more over-spin here than side-spin. The big side-spinners can sometimes be a bit slower and you don't get the bounce.
"It is pretty grassy out there at the moment but it is pretty flat. It looks like it will be a belter and spin miles at the end"Bowlers have to work hard full stop. It's a batsman-friendly wicket.

"It's the same as BICC. "The spinners have been successful here over the years but you have to work a lot harder for your wickets. It can suit the fast bowlers with reverse swing."
Hollywood feels the Newtown Mongrel batsmen are reading him better as the series progresses.
"They think about the game a lot. They read the game pretty well," he said.
"A few of their lower order don't pick me or Apoo very well.
"They didn't pick me well in the first round match but a few of them - Bravo and IP freely and a couple of other guys - learned a bit and read it a bit better."

Batteredsav selectors will meet today or tomorrow to choose a 9 or 10-man squad for final series, which starts week after next.

Sneaky & Grouch are likely to miss games in the final series due other commitments, which will open up a middle-order berth.

Sav’s up coming star Dabber is hoping his consistent form and dividends from hiring a personal trainer will prompt the national selectors to reassess him as a starter for the final series. He also intends to remind selectors about Slicks Windmill impersonation.

National self appointed chairman, captain and spelling coach Arjuna said yesterday the door was not closed on Hairbear’s career "but for the moment someone else is there and doing a reasonable job".

ICC Release Battered Savs Player Statistics

The ICC, after confirmation with their independent auditors PriceWaterhouseCoopers, has agreed to released the much anticipated and hotly debated Player Performance statistics for the Battered Savs.

After satisfying the numerous internal auditing and integrity commissions within both the ICC and PwC, the details of the Savs results have finally been put to rest.
In a brief statement by the Savs laconic captain, Arjuna was pleased to announce, "Now, at last, it is with unequivical conviction that my stnadings within the team is firmly cemented. No one can chellenge my rightful place to lead and captain such an international super team".

It was later reported that off the record, Arjuna was quietly fuming over the ranking system not awarding the captain additional ‘points’ based on inspirational leadership. Adding to his displeasure was the favourable statistics on his deputy. Once more further tension has been added between the bitter power dispute raging within the teams upper echelons.

Unperturbed by his new found status as the Battered Savs number 1 player, Tucan announced to the frantic press gallery that he would not let the results go to his head. With a somewhat defiant air to his comments, Tucan stated that his current regimented pre-match routine of a couple of cheeky ones at the FDH would not change in the slightest.
“If you’re on a good thing – stick to it”.

On provocation of a reporters comment, questioning Tucan’s pre-match routine as a direct contradiction to the captains orders. Tucan replied, “The figures talk for themselves mate! If it’s good enough for 3 of the top 4 players, perhaps Arjuna should come to the FDH more often, maybe then he’ll actually make a positive contribution to the team!”

Words, no doubt, that will have interesting consequences for this evening’s match.

CONCERN OVER OFFICIAL STATS

By Lachlan Hot Pants

In a startling move, Battered Sav Captain and self appointed selector, Arjuna, has come out defending the recent addition of statistical analysis as part of the selection criteria. A number of players have come out and attacked the recent additions to the process noteably Tempter, Dabbs and Hairbear. When Arjuna was queried as to the comments being made by these players the only response that came forward was that "it's a real suprise that the players who aren't quite stacking up numerically are ranting and raving in order to catch the eye of the finals selection committee.

Stats leaders tucan and hollywood were both approached for an interview, with both players shrugging of rumours rather choosing to focus on there strong numbers and build on them over the finals campaign. Tucan said "Dabs can stick his numbers up my arse as far as I'm concerned. I can only remember Tempter being hit around the park like Hurricane Katrina and has been more than lucky in taking one wicket. Grouch is the big improver anf Arjuna has alot to prove on thursday night."

Michael, or otherwise Kel has really stood out with his recent bowling performances as has reebs with tidy statistics at either end. Selectors are reportedly looking closely at Sneaky and Slicks poor numbers and will take up coming performances into account said, Arjuna. In other news, Apoo has been voted as sexiest wicket keeper in the world by a group of 5 indian women.

HOLLYWOOD exposed

SYDNEY 23rd November 2005

In yet another scandal Hollywood, the self appointed selector and co captain has been found fiddling with the stats. In what can only be described as a scam of the greatest proportion, Hollywoods secret gay partner has come forward to bare arse magazine with his story. In the article"He would invite me back to his eastern suburbs appartment and we would play intimate games together and whichever name sounded sexiest would be the one who we would give the best statistics to" the undisclosed source went on to say "Dabs, Tempter, Hairbear well they just aren't sexy names, they just didn't turn Hollywood or me on. I hope that this doesn't hurt the team or Hollywoods future and I apologise to the Savs but my story just has to be told".

Dabs, Tempter, Hairbear could not be contacted for comment.

TUCAN GONE MISSING

Routers

Breaking news from the city of Sydney this morning details a night of high action followed by a no show from Tucan, top marker on the Battered Savs statistics, at the early morning training camp. Word from within the camp is that Hollywood and Tucan have fallen out over the ongoing sex scandals and amazing revelation that Hollywood may in fact be gay. Arjuna, the self appointed captain, selector and literacy coach provided the following comments on the matter, " It is true that two players from the team have had a scuffle but I wouldn't call it anything more than a lovers tiff" Both Hollywood and Tucan refused to comment.

This latest issue comes after the shock revelation revealed yesterday that Hollywood may be considering "going back into the closet"

Grouch wild over Hollywood

Hustler Magazine

In an interview to be released next month in Hustler magazine, Grouch has decided to give away a secret or two about the Battered Savs. In this no holds barred article Grouch reveals how the sex scandals that have followed Hollywood have distracted the team and set a bad example in the community. Grouch also outlines his hopes for the future of the Savs and speaks openly and honestly about team morale and the quest for the first grand final win. He also details how his life has changed since 'that operation'. In a quote earlier today he said "Besides the centre page I am the most interesting thing in this months issue".

Hollywood comes clean

News of the world

An amazing revelation from Savs embattled self appointed captain, Hollywood "I am gay !". News agencies all of the world have been whipped into a frenzy at this announcement from the self publicised indoor cricket hero. Co self appointed captain and selector, Arjuna has come out defending his team mate stating " I loke Hallywud. Even if ha iz a pillow biter now, I stull luke him. If he choses man thun he choses man". Team stalwart and one time Patriach Dabs was shocked with the news and had the following to say " I don't believe that it is true. Hollywood is a good man with good morals. He has been misquoted and I intend to find who the rat is within the Savs organisation" Others in the team have not been so kind with Reebs quoted as saying " At least now I will have somewhere to park my bike". Tucan and Locky could not be contacted for comment however Apoo is believed to be offering counselling to team members who have been effected by this story.

Hollywood has planned a press conferance at the FDICC at 9.15pm thursday but the world asks just what will Hollywood do next ?

HOLLYWOOD SPITS THE DUMMY

Christianity Today

In what can only be described as a total transformation, 3 time bad boy and former gay sex icon, Hollywood 'hotpants' has urged fellow Sav team mates to pull up their socks. In quoting Hollywood this morning Christianity Today writes, "I think we should make an effort to lift the standard of articles(on the BLOG) that are more based around wit and clean humour." He went on to say,"Boys as funny as the blog is....someone has stepped over the line. The last 2 articles may attract cheap laughs but at best can be described as smutty."

Hollywood was apparently outraged after a member of the public saw him at a Sydney hotspot on the weekend sporting a lovely pair of pink hotpants. Now that his secret is exposed it appears that Hollywood has decided to turn his life around and is now urging all Savs to follow his lead.

However it appears that all is not well in the Savs camp, quoting an inside source who does not wish to be revealed, apparently an incident occurred at a party last week and two team members are no longer talking. Team stalwart, Dabs has undertaken to get to the bottom of the drama with one Savs team member stating "He is asking alot of questions about Grouch and Hollywood".

Dabs and Grouch could not be contacted for comment.

Corruption in the Sav's

The ICC last night held a damming press conference stating a full investigation will be held into the stats that were released by the Sav's on Monday.

"Fixing of stats and paying staff members off at the FDICC is totally unacceptable, we will find out who is the ring leader who calculated the stats and be demanding answers from them." Malcolm Speed said to the large media crowd at it's headquarters.

All evidence is pointing to Co-Captain Hollywood who seems to have very miss leading figures on the stats. The stats showed the he has bowled 7 wides in 5 games which has surprised all media watchers and also members of the Sav's as he bowled 3 last game.

"Something smells likes off fish and it's not coming from the fish markets" a team member from the Sav's said to the media.

Hollywood could not be contacted at his exclusive mansion in Turramurra nor at his favourite Gay Bar in Oxford street last night.

With the team coming into the finals and spots hard to secure, the evidence is point to Hollywood as it is favouring him to have secured a spot in the team.

A report from the ICC is to be handed down in the next couple of days showing that stat fixing has taken place within the Sav's and heads will surely roll soon after that.

Hollywood Seen In Gay Bar

By Dill Doe

SYDNEY;
Battered Sav cricketer and allround good looker Hollywood has been snapped by tabloid press photographers going into a popular inner city gay nightspot "The Bowel Growler" some time late Saturday night.
The sighting was confirmed by a local bystander who wished to be known only as Lachlan, "I saw him walk into the bar, not that I usually hang around places like this, I mean I was just walking through Oxford St to get to ... aah.... Bondi Junction to aaah...yeah, watch footy at the pub". Lachlan was apparently sporting a rather tight pair of hot pink lycra shorts with the arse cut out of them.
In another development, Hollywood has not denied going into the nightclub either. Instead the soon to be gay icon welcomed the news and has somewhat ' come out '.
" I have always had a bit of a soft spot for punching out the donuts" said Hollywood. "I just hope my newfound freedom of expression doesn't affect my place in the team. I mean now that I'm batting for the other team so to speak, I hope the boys will still feel like they can embrace me after a good innings".
Team members from The Battered Savs who were asked if they thought it would affect the team stated that as long as Hollywood had an aids test and kept the pork sword in his pants, there shouldn't be a problem.

Catch of the Day

The extra curricular Battered Savs Fishing Competition is now open.

Apology Accepted

By Bruce Thompson,

After a phone call from your captain this afternoon, I have decided to accept his apology for being at the wheel whilst you pedalled your evil across the net. He has assured me he was not a part of it, and wishes he had sought better counsel in the first place.

Bruce

Sav's to Triumph in year of The Underdog

by David Hasselhoff

In what has become known the year of the underdog the Battered Savs believe they are in with a chance to win their first Indoor Cricket Championship.

In a year which has seen the underdog in competitions around the world come to the fore, the signs are looking ominous for the Savs. “We can do it” said the sometime captain come selector come spectator, Arjuna. Hollywood interjected and took over the interview, just like he has taken over the team, saying “This is the year of the Sav, spirits are high, and the inspirational efforts we have seen this year will catapult us onto victory”
The inspirational efforts he is talking about include, the Socceroos making the World Cup for the fist time in 32 years by defeating Uruguay in a penalty shoot out. The Wests Tigers who many tipped to be the wooden spooners winning the NRL Premiership. The Sydney Swans winning the AFL flag for the first time in 70 odd years. The Ashes. And now the Battered Savs have the opportunity to add their name to the list of overachievers we have seen this year.

This Blog Is A Disgrace!!!!

By Bruce Thompson

I happened to be surfing the web today and stumbled across this web page and I have to say I am completely disgusted with the smut, inuendo, and downright filth I have read!
To say I am disappointed is an understatement! Being the founding member of this team, I feel I have the right to ask you all to remove this blog from existence and promptly apologise publicly this Sunday. I expect this apology to come from the captain. You all ought to be ashamed of yourselves!!

I await your earliest response,
Bruce

Dabber Dabber dooo.....

By Les Bien

News of the World has just released a statement on behalf of battered savs stalwart, Dabs to a packed media conference in Sydney. Dabs is said to be delighted at the inclusion of Hairbear in his cameo appearance as "I will no longer be the slowest bloke in the competition".

Hairbear is refuting the claims and has issued a challenge to dabs to have 50 metre running race before proceddings on thursday night. "This race would be similar to the various challenges around the world that Mark Richardson from the NZ cricket team has issued to prove that he isn't the slowest cricketer in the world", hairbear exclaimed. News of the world has asked dabs whether he has accepted the challenge, but no news has filtered through yet.

Reebs And Tucan Expelled From Schoolies Week Celebrations

By Shaun Scrotum

Two men from NSW will face court tomorrow charged with supplying alcohol to minors at Schoolies Week celebrations on the Gold Coast, as well as using fake id's, a court has heard today.

The two men, alledgedly Tucan and Reebs from the Battered Savs indoor cricket team, were busted by Police in raids on high rise accomodation in the Gold Coast. The two were in posession of fake id's showing they were 18 years old, when they are in actual fact much closer to 30, as well as large amounts of alcohol. They had apparently lured young women with the promise of free drinks back to there rooms.

These parasites usually hang around gatherings like this waiting for prey.

TUCAN TO BE FIRST SAV CELEBRITY

By Almost Over

The Federal Government of Australia has announced this morning, that Battered Sav superstar, Tucan will appear as the star of there new 'Work for the Dole' campaign. A series of 5 adds will appear on prime time television to further enhance John Howard's fading popularity with 'middle class Australia'. A government spokes person has confirmed the rumours and told of his selection to the campaign, "Tucan embodies much of working class Australia and we thought we would ride him to the polling booths. He works hard, drinks hard, abuses the odd fellow motorist and many see him as an inspiration as he guards the back net like a modern day homophobe, at the FDICC each week".

Rumours are circulating that in the first add he will be seen as a volunteer worker at a homeless shelter for abused gay men, where he assists them through the recovery process. The add was originally to be set in a bar until it was revealed that it was probably best for Tucan not to be in there for undiscolosed reasons.

Tucan has been approached for a comment, while choosing to give no official comment but went onto add "it's very true. I have been a long time admirer of John W Howard and see it a privelege to star along all sorts of people."

Protests against SAV's Leadership changes just 'the beginning'

Tuesday 15 10:00 AEST By Rooters

Today's protests by thousands of Australians against the SAVS Leadership changes are the first in a long campaign, Labor MP Peter Parrot said today at the Sydney protest.

"This is the beginning of one of the most substantial campaigns by the community in Australia," Mr Parrot said.

Thousands of Sydney SAV fans marched on the city's centre holding flags and banners and chanting slogans to protest against the changes.

They came from all walks of life: mothers with their babies, grandparents with grandchildren, friends and co-workers.

Julie, 14, came from Penrith (single mum of 10 children) in Sydney's west to protest against what she called the deliberate destruction of Australia's status as "the lucky country".

"We have to fight for our rights ... the $3000 child bonus is all that I've got," she said. When challenged about what the $3000 baby bonus had to with the change in the SAV's Leadership, she declined to comment.

Insiders fear that Hollywood may have contributed to at least 7 of them.

"I'm particularly afraid for the youth of today since there may be no SAV team in the future"

Some came from militant backgrounds wearing custom-printed shirts, others dressed in suits appeared to be on coffee breaks but all appeared united behind the one cause.

Registered nurse Chris, 48, from inner-west Concord, said he had taken annual leave without pay to join today's protest.

"I am blown away by Hollywood's arrogance in power," the father-of-two said. "We need to defend our rights for the well-being of our country and Hollywood is taking it away."

Arjuna to Challenge Hollywood in spelling bee competition to raise money for Sydney Children's Hospital.

In breaking news...

Following the recent scandals with Hollywood's Sav, the self appointed chairman, selector and captain of the legendary batteredsav indoor cricket team has challenged Hollywood to a spelling & grammar bee competition to raise funds for the Sydney Children's Hospital where Grouch's aka Locky's kids have been admitted on a bout of beenmissingdaditis. More on this as it comes to hand....

HOLLYWOOD Outraged

By Umpire Strikes Back

Hollywood has come out swinging at recent suggestions that he has appointed himself as a selector. This is far from the truth. This single self appointment has only been made by captain and manager Arjuna. Each week when he is off on one of his 'thai business trips' he hands the team to the unsuspecting hollywood. Many have felt that in recent times that Hollywood has been used as a scapegoat to vent players frustration within the camp. Hollywood has been quoted as saying, " I can only do my best with the players I have been given each week. While Arjuna is away I recieve a team list in a small brown paper bag, hand delievered from one of his little business thugs".

World of the news also asked Hollywood how he had managed to still have a 100% win rate from 4 encounters that he has lead the team in the battle. He has credited this to the inspiration of Arjuna, the athleticism of Dabbs and the joy of grouch. Reporter Roger Me also asked hollywood the chances of the hairbear, AKA Macgill, being recalled into the finals squad. "Uh...That's a good question and I'll leave those tough calls to the real skipper and selector", hollywood responded. "All i can tell you is that at the moment 6 places have been sewn up and 2 spots are very much there to be earnt". He believes the stats will very firly support the captain's decisions.

In player movements:

Sneaky has been rumoured to be heading of to the Middle East in the next few weeks and may be unavialable for selection.

Tempter has decided to hang up the gloves and concentrate on the game of basketball.

Reebs has been offered a playing contract for next season with the Newtown Mongrels as they see him as " a tasty piece of qld meat" but reebs has yet to decide on a new contract

Arjuna is almost going to make himself unavailable from the finals if he doesn't start actually playing

Tucan is still cleaning his undies

Dabs is still fending off claims that he has dropped 5kgs in the last week, in an attempt to be down to 55 for next year's melbourne cup

Hairbear is being rested

Hollywood is very busy fighting off player revolts and using him as a scapegoat for there own interests

Kel is still checking Silverwater jails records to ensure that he wasn't a guest there at any point and roomed with 'that prick' of an umpire

Grouch only ever leaves work to play cricket. Apparantely it's been six months since he has seen his kids. (Commitment to the Savs)

Slicks been busy getting some........batting practice in the nets for the up coming final sries under the watchful eye of team physio, Ali

oh and Hairbear is still on the bench in late breaking news

HOLLYWOOD SEX SCANDAL

Consolidated Press 14:00hrs EDST

News of the world has reported a new scandal involving Hollywood the famous self- appointed co-captain of the Battered Savs Indoor Cricket team. A young woman known as X has apparently reported an incident that occurred in the carpark of the Five Dock Pub last thursday evening at around 11.15pm. Quoting sources at the Pub, "He came in parading all around as if he had just won the world championship or something. He just kept saying gonna get me some tonight and whistling". The family of Hollywood have gone to ground refusing to comment. Sources close to the team have outlined that this may just be the end of Hollywoods captaincy aspirations. Apparently self-appointed co-captain, Arjuna is furious and has sort a private meeting with Hollywood. Arjuna is said to have told Hairbear that this may now be an opportunity for him to step in, "I am sick of reading about Hollywoods Sav!" Arjuna allegedly said.

Besieged Hairbear is on a tough learning curve, says Arjuna

By Trevor Marshallsea

November 14, 2005
SMH

Arjuna expects Hairbear will be dropped from the Battered Sav side. But the former Battered Sav captain believes it may be the tonic the youngster needs.
As Hairbear misses out again on selection, Arjuna has joined other judges in saying the Test No.4 needs to correct some weak spots in his technique.
Arjuna also believes it is virtually inevitable that the 32-year-old will feel the selectors' axe, but, in an interview in the latest Inside Cricket magazine, he said Hairbear had the game and the attitude to succeed in the long run, as his many fans believe he will.
"He's learning. He's learning in front of the world and it's not an easy place to make mistakes," Arjuna said. "He's got things he can work on. He's got a good temperament. He's a good listener, which is really crucial. He's got his feet on the ground. But he's going to go through some tough times. At some stage, like most players, he'll probably get dropped. I think in some ways it's good because you reassess, you analyse and you work out how you can improve."
Arjuna was, of course, not exempt from being banished by selectors. He was famously dropped during the 1990-91 bankstown series and replaced by his brother Aravinda, but just as famously rebounded to become one of cricket's all-time greats, playing the most Tests - 168 - of any player in history.
He said Hairbear "probably needs to tighten up on his technique" but added: "You don't want to change him, because he's a match-winner and that's the way he plays his game."
After his explosive beginning in Test cricket, Hairbear has found the going increasingly tougher in recent months as opponents have learned more about his game, particularly the risks he can take with his vast array of shots. His Test average last month slipped below 40 for the first time, and now sits at 38 after 19 Tests.
Arjuna also gave his backing to Hollywood after the criticism his captaincy received through the Ashes series, though he said his successor would learn that a consensus-style approach to leadership was not practical.
"He's doing well," Arjuna said of Hollywoods's captaincy. "It's a process, it evolves. You don't become a great captain straight away, you take your time, you learn your lessons, you make mistakes. Mine was I captained by consensus. I was trying to please everyone, instead of following my gut instincts, and as a captain that's why you're there - because you make decisions and people trust your instincts. That's something he'll learn and I think he's doing well. He has the respect of the players and that's certainly a big start."

SHOCK RECALL FOR HAIRBEAR

By Ranish Rammedher

In breaking news, battered sav selectors have recalled hairbear for the upcoming game against the adam's at the FDICC on thursday night.

After Apoo was made unavailable for reasons that can only be described by many insiders as "soft and fluffy", Hairbear was rushed into the squad to recapture the form that saw him named ICC player of the year in the 93-94 season at the Bankstown ICC. Many had thought that he had gone into retirement until earlier this year when he resurfaced menacing batsmen with his "windmill" action that comes down with snow on every delivery and can only be descriped as "inconsistent yet deadly on his day".

Rumours have already been spreading that he may also been considering bringing the famous patented "pink bat" out of retirement for the upcoming cameo performance. Fans from all over the world have been emailing and sending faxes of support to lure the pink bat back onto the FDICC.

Hairbear can only be seen by many as a man of courage, who would walk into the lions den and the Chullora ICC or as affectionaltey known as "guantanamo bay" by industry insiders, with the famous pink bat. Many opponents sent verbal sprays the way of the hairbear yet he fended off any suggestions with batting clinics week in week out followed by the half time car park brawls before returning for the second half of matches with the "windmill" action. Fans have quickly been queing for tickets for thursday nights game as many want to see the "one of a kind action" in the flesh and not broken down by the harsh ctitics on the CH.9 coverage.

Will the hairbear bring the pink bat? We can only hope

HAIRBEAR OUT AGAIN

ROUTERS 2.15pm EDST

In a controversial decision, self appointed selectors and captains - Arjuna and Hollywood have decided to leave Hairbear out of the Savs team again. At the pregame press conference,Hairbear asked " Who is the Warnie keeping me out?" there was a deathly silence and even some laughter as Hollywood stepped forward and explained that there was no real reason that he had been left out just that Arjuna didn't really like him that much. The press conference finished on a sad note with Hairbear bursting into tears and vowing to get his buddies from the Sydney Bulldogs onto Arjuna. Arjuna could not be contacted for a comment.

Kalu Keeps

Kalu is a new addition to the star strutted team and is tending towards being permanent fixture. Very little is known about the little fella except that he often is found toucing the stums with the ball at hand.

ALL FROM THE HEART!

By Peter Roebuck

Last night saw a match of mixed emotions for the Sav's.

As the team arrived from the private coach, they knew they were up for a massive task as they had not beaten the Skieks of Tweak in the past 2 rounds.

With the temps reaching a solid 28C and the humidity making the FDICC a back yard Chinese sweat shop, the Sav's knew things were going to be tough.

Bowling first under the leadership of Hollywood, the Sav's got off to an uncharacteristic start of what could only be described as poor. It wasn't the Sav's night in the field. Catches were dropped, bowling and general communication between the team was shocking. As the over ticketed by, the boys tried their hardest to stay in the fight but things weren't going there way. The umpire for the night seemed to be making decisions that both teams could not understand ( Word is that his laser surgery on his eyes was completed today!!!). Hollywood rallied the boys with 4 overs to go and begged for commitment and talk, the team stood up and started to play well.

Knowing they need to take the good momentum from the last 4 overs into the batting, Shami and Slick knew they need to get off to a good start. Things didn't go to plan as Slick was caught behind on the 3rd bowl. Heads went down, Slick was more pissed then ever are a shocking day at work. Shami and Slick worked there way back to a solid total. One of the turn points of the match was the last ball of the pair. Needing 7 to win the skin on the last ball, the field was set to the back of the net with Slick on strike. The ball was bowled and Slick smacked it straight back over the bowlers head for six and they win the skin.

The Sav's were pumped up and out walked the masters of net playing Tucan and Ocky aka "Locky". The way they play was like poetry in motion!! It was beautiful in every way. The Sheiks were starting to willter in the the humid condition. Frustration was setting in and the boys wanted place the screws on them and set the last 2 skins up. Six, Four, Six was basically what was happening. They finished on a massive 58 runs and the Sav's were looking in great shape with 90 on the board.

Hollywood made the call to sacrifice the 3rd skin by building on the solid foundation. Sneaky and Hollywood played up and down, but the final over was a cracker and place 20 odd runs on the board to leave the final pair 16 runs to get.

With the Tweaks down a player, the Sav's had a choice of 2 bowlers. Hollywood pick a lefty who was ticked off with the umpire and guy who was bowling more pies in a over then pies sold at the AFL Grand Final!!!!! The first bowl that the lefty bowled to dabber he was caught behind. Our secret microphones picked up Hollywood say to Slick "This could be the worst call every to pick this bowler!!!" With the last over to be bowled the Sav's needed the pie chucker to bowl a couple of the deck and the game was theirs. True to forth he was handing out pies like Willy Wonker handed out lollies to the children!!! The Sav's had Won....

It was a mighty effort for the Sav's to win the game. They truly placed there hand up as title favourites with wins against the top 2 teams in the comp 2 weeks in a row!!!! Selectors have a hard decision this week selecting a team as the stats are showing that there is very strong competition for every spot.

Next week see the Sav's return to a 8.00pm kick off and looking to chase the top of the ladder!!!!

Lane Cove Tunnel Consortium to compensate Arjuna

By Carl Scully

The joint venture partners of the Lane Cove tunnel consortium, Thiess Pty limited and John Holland Limited have decided to compensate and acquire the prime real estate site adjacent to Lane Cove Road for an undisclosed sum.

The consortium and the sole owner of the site have agreed to keep the matter out of the courts and have agreed to compensate the owner more than the current market value of 14.8 million dollars. It is rumoured that the company settled for an amount close to 20 million dollars.Company representatives would not comment on the amount paid, however they did state that the prime block will be turned into the new Sydney headquarters for John Holland group.

Arjuna was last seen leaving the car park of Grosvenor Place with a big smile on his face. Considering he only acquired the property from the distraught owners following the road collapse debacles last week this has been one savvy investment return for the man from Colombo.

He remarked, “that this was not as sweet a return as Makybe Diva but I am very happy, I will use some of these funds to improve the spelling and grammar teaching techniques in the schools back in my homeland and I might even treat myself to a Range Rover, So that I can run over some of you lot as well as some of my vindictive team mates that continue to remark about my business dealings, these team mates know who they are" Arjuan stated as he sped off.

Arjuna To Star In Celebrity Spelling Bee

By Anna Linjection

The captain of the Battered Savs indoor cricket team, and now Australian icon, Arjuna, is set to star in the next airing of channel seven's hugely popular Celebrity Spelling Bee.

The Sri Lankan born, Sydney based powerhouse has apparently agreed to star in the show after his team members rang channel 7 and gave him a big wrap for his "sixth sense" of spelling. One team member is reported to have said Arjuna could spell "shit" underwater. Producers of the show were intrigued by this tip off and decided to investigate the great man's talents a bit further. They contacted him late last night and were unable to reach him, but apparently his voicemail message on his mobile phone was enough for producer, self confessd pillow biter, and host of the show Todd McKenney.... "oooh sweety he sounds just gorgeous!!! And what a hunk!!"

Arjuna has also stated his delight at being invited onto the show, " with this opportunity, I can show the world that I am truly the greatest". When asked if he could spell "opportunity", he said he'd prefer to save himself for the show.

In other Arjuna related news, TAB sportsbet is still in shock after the great man's massive wager on Cup winner Makybe Diva. A reported 4 million dollar bet on the now famous mare at $3.70, netted the big man a whopping $14,800,000. "I get all my tips from Hollywood" Arjuna stated. The only problem is the not so real estate savvy Arjuna bought an also now famous unit block with "views" of Lane Cove Rd.

ICC investigation clears Arjuna from match fixing

By Chuck a Ball

The captain and self appointed selector of the promising up and coming indoor cricket team the Battered Savs has been cleared of match fixing allegations.

Following a lengthy investigation by the ICC anti match fixing panel here in Melbourne has delivered a report stating that there in inconclusive evidence of match fixing allegation.

Arjuna is clearly relieved that he has been cleared. Many members of the team are also relieved as they were not looking forward to spending time in courts.

There continues to be rumblings from within the team. Arjuna has promised to investigate the leaks and breaches of team protocol by members and those found guilty will be severly dealt with.

Arjuna has stated there are certain members within the team they know who they are who are trying to tarnish my career and place pressure from within the team to drop me from the possible final series. there continues to be rumblings from within the team. Arjuna has promised to investigate the leaks and breaches to team protocol and he has advised that team members will be severly dealth with. Arjuna has stated that one particular member within the team who he refuses to name is still having a case of sour grapes. He has stated that he hopes that this particular person chokes on them and suffers from it!!!

There really is no love lost between these two players, there seems to be a power struggle to lead the team in the final series.

In breaking news.....

Hollywood steps down for next game to take up work experience as a Ambulance paramedic.

more on this as it comes to hand...

Arjuna Enquiry

By Les Bien

After the events of the last week, the ICC has announced a full scale enquiry into the game that the Savs suprisingly lost, the week before. Skipper Arjuna, who had been away for a few games, made a suprise return to the squad which is now littered in "deceit, lies and scandals," according to FDICC expert Richie Bendover. It can now be reported in the lead up to this scandal, Arjuna was seen meeting with the opposition captain at a five star hotel in the outer suburbs of Melbourne. "I nkow notings", said a startled Arjuna as we getting into his BMW 5 series. Further speculation has increased as the ICC had reports from team mates Dabs and Tucan that on the way to the FDICC, Arjuna crashed his car into the side of a bridge while on his cell phone. Police have been able to link the phone call through to the prestigious, Centre Bet in the Northern Territory. Before the game the Savs were considered 'bet of the week', but in the minutes leading up to the game there was a dramatic plunge on the other team affctionalty known as the 'kers'. Battered Savs went from $1.01 to $2.40 within 14 minuntes. Team mates have been rumoured to be hurt and dissapointed while another, Apoo said that "you all need to understand that this is the way of us men from the subcontinient. We either come to this land of opportunity and work at the 7 eleven or take up a few dodgy bets where we see fit to feed our families".

Due to the ongoing investigations, Arjuna will not be allowed to take part in the upcoming match and has been sidelined by the ICC until an official hearing has been heard. Dabs, a fellow team member has been quoted as saying, "Good I hope that prick goes to Jail", while others have been quick to defend there embattled captain. "He's a good bloke, really... I think," said Grouch as he left the team training session with tissues in his right hand." All is set to be revelaed in the next few weeks as the Battered Savs march towards the much awaited first premiership.

Sav walkout

By Len Banano

The enigma known only as Snowy has caused another problem for the Sav's camp after not appearing for their post win training session on Tuesday morning.

The Sav's spirits were high following their demolition of current competition leaders The Newtown Gaymongrels on Monday night and it will be interesting to see if this latest incidnet will do anything to their confidence going into the remaining rounds.

Snowy has been consistently the Sav's star player since his debut in 1999 and this type of behaviour is nothing new. In 2002 there was the incident that few in the sporting world would ever forget where Snowy scored a record 128 runs, all 6's and famously refused to run at all, (a record that still stands today), made 7 catches and 11 run outs in the field and took 10 wickets, easily the best ever recorded all round performance. It was then revealed that Snowy had been on a 5 day bender and had a blood alcohol reading of 2.23.

This latest incident pales in comparison but it will be interesting to see if the Sav's will drop a player of Snowy's caliber due to his latest indiscretion.

Missing Bat Found Inside Cup Winner

By Johnny Tap

Melbourne Cup day today produced some magic both on and off the track today as a bat apparently belonging to everyone's favourite indoor cricket side, The Battered Sav's, was found inside Cup winning Makybe Diva.

In what is being touted a "freak accident" or perhaps just some good 'ol fashioned horseplay, the bat slid out of the champion mare's arse in a rather vigorous bowel motion just minutes before the big race. Officials could not believe their eyes as the willow, still warm from the night before, dropped to the floor. The horse's trainer also said he saw tears coming from Makybe Diva's eyes as she tried to pass the bat. The bat was also inscribed with the words, "stick it up 'em Makybe!".

The whereabouts of the bats owner, "Bozo", is still unknown but other Sav's could help shed some light on the situation. He was last seen drinking at the Five Dock Hotel with the rest of the team last night. Some eyewitnesses have said they overheard Bozo muttering something about fixing a horse race, and his plans to go to the track tomorrow with Arjuna. A Sav, who asked to remain anonymous, said today, "there are a few sicko's in the team who seem to be obsessed with anal stories and stuff either being shoved up someones arse or something coming out of it!"

Anyone with information on the whereabout of Bozo are asked to contact CrimeStoppers.

The night the Sav's turned on a show!

By Peter Roebuck


"Brilliant and Surgeon" like is how commentators described the Sav's demolition of the table leaders, The Newtown Mongrels last night at the FDICC.

A massive crowd turned out to watch the greatly anticipated match between the leaders and fourth place. There was a sense in the air that it would be a great arm wrestle between the two sides as they played for points, but also to stamp their names as title contenders for this years comp.

The Sav's turned up focused and determined to win after last weeks dismal effort and it was also the first time Slick was going to lead the team onto the hollowed turf of the FDICC.

The night didn't start to well with the Slick losing the toss and then told to "place your gloves on mate your going to bat"!

Skipper Slick ask Sneaky and Bozo aka Greg Elliott to lead the team in the first skin. The Sav's jaws were on the floor when they look at the opposition to see a bunch of scrappy and slobby dressed bunch of players who looked like they were playing in 8th grade. After the first over the new pairing started to gel together and placed a solid 15 on the board. The bowling was described as pathetic as most bowls hit the top of the net or off the wicket completely. "My Hot mum could bowl better then this" star player Reebs said to the press during the paring. Sneaky and bozo continued to bat well and reached 37 before losing a couple of wickets and ended up with 18 on the board at the end of the skin.

Ocky and Tucan got a G up from the skipper as they walked to the net and they we determined to help the Sav's to a solid total. Smacking the ball to all the nets and taking quick singles the runs started to flow easily. After the 2nd over they were on 27 runs and looking full of confidence. The crowd by now were getting into the game and these boys were putting on a show. At the end of the skin they had placed a solid total of 42 and the Sav's were sailing down wind on 60 runs with 2 pairs to go.

Shammi aka Shami and Kel then went in knowing that they had to build on the good foundation that had been given to them. Kel was playing the big shots was Shammi was wiping the bowling attach up by playing some elegant and graceful shots into the net. The spirit in the team was building with every ball. They finished with the total of 32 and with 92 on the board the Sav's were looking comfortable.

Reebs and skipper slick walked to the crease and were ready to really show these boys how to bat. Reebs was on fire smacking the ball into the net and playing some graceful shoots. Slick look the most comfortable in the middle all session and didn't want to let the team down. With the final bowl bowled Reebs and slick had put on a solid 43 runs and the Sav's finished with 131 on the board.

Slick pulled the team into the middle before the first ball and asked the team for 110% commitment. Kel opened the bowling with Ocky and they kept things tight with a solid performance. Knowing they needed a good start Newtown put there best batters in and they looked set for a nice total. Kel and Ocky bowled the first 4 overs and they ended up with 33 on the board.

In the huddle the team felt confident they could hold them down and that they did. Tucan and Sneaky bowled with pace and swing. This is when the Sav's showed why they are the best fielding team in the comp, stumps were thrown down, catches taken and Shammi was on fire at the back of the stumps. He was taking everything and collected a couple of stumpings on the way!! Selectors are keeping an eye on this young kid and he'll be a massive asset in the finals!! The 2nd pairing ended up with in the negative figures with a massive -11 and the Sav's winning the skin.

After a great evening with bat and gloves Shammi wanted to clean the batsmen up with the ball, his spinners were hitting the mark and he took a couple of great C&B's during his 2 overs. Reebs supported him well and they kept the Newtown boys on 5 for the skin and they were sitting on 27 at the end of the third skin.

Knowing the game was their's slick pulled the team and asked them to be "Ruthless" in the last four overs and not be complacent , they had them by the neck and he wanted them to choke them to death!!! The brother pairing of slick and bozo were left to finish the innings off and Bozo was scaring the batters with his pace and accuracy. Aiming to win the game by 100 runs slick urged his team on but it wasn't meant to be, with the batters scoring a massive 9 runs and finishing on 34.

The Sav's now have proven they are title contenders and will be looking to chase the top spot next week. Man of the match Shammi said post match "It was a team effort that got us there and we knew we had the better team on the day!!".

Unfortunately the night ended on a sour note as Bozo called his brother late that night saying he left his bat at the ground. Calling the FDICC and speaking with the ground operator, the bat was stolen ($500 bat). Police are looking into the matter and I am disgusted that some Wayne Kerr would do such a thing. Bozo is shatted at the moment and hopefully his bat can be recovered.

Fat Cat Outrage

Arjuna 'Fat Cat' was contacted earlier today for a comment regarding the rumour he is about to step down as self appointed selector and captain of the Battered Savs. In a written statement read by Arjuna's bookmaker he outline "I an wery dassipointed abut this story. It is treu that folloing the teams loss last week the selctors have sat down with me to discuss my futre. I have assurrrred myself hwerver that I am fit to stay on as Cuptain and will do so". Sources close to the team have stated that a rebel group of players had been seeking a meeting with the ICC over the new policy on OH&S released last week. It has also been confirmed from insiders that the sudden sacking of Hollywood for 'waddling' between the wickets caused a blow up at training between the self appointed Captain and self proclaimed champion. It is unclear if more sackings will follow as a result of these internal leaks but Arjuna was very direct in the final line of his statement " I vill gut em good !".

Arjuna steps down

By: Felicity Shagwell.


In breaking news…Captain Arjuna the illustrious and colourful captain of the Battered Sav’s has decided to call it a day and to step down immediately as team captain. This will clear the way for vote of confidence between up and coming star all rounders Hollywood and Slick.

Sources close to the captain suggests all the whispers relating to his off field business dealings following the exclusive sponsorship deal with Lion Nathan has led to his decision. He is sick and tired of the bitching from within the team. He has lost interest in arranging such games after nearly 10 years and that there has been no appreciation whatsoever and has suggested someone else take the reigns for the remaining 4 games.
All Arjuna would say during his brief press conference outside hi Point Piper residence is that for the record he would like to clarify that there is no BMW 7 series in his driveway but rather a BMW 5.

Sav's Sign New Sponsorship Deal

By Allotta Phajina

The Battered Sav's have signed a new deal with Lion Nathan Breweries to provide much needed funding and resources for pre and post match training sessions.
Arjuna "Fat Cat" Ranatunga, self appointed captain and selector announced this morning after marathon negotiations that the team would now be known as "The Tooheys New Battered Sav's". The sponsorship deal apparently includes free Tooheys New to all registered Savitorians, as well as team uniforms, coffee mugs, key rings, and a limited edition beer fridge. In a bit of a twist, Arjuna has also received a few added 'sweeteners' to the deal. "I have also accepted the wery kind offer of Lion Nathan to take over mortgage payments on my house, and am wery much looking forward to the corporate tent on the finishing line at Flemington tommorow. It is something I believe I deserve as Captain of the team." Asked whether he thought these priveledges would cause tension within the team, Arjuna responded "Those scumbags would always complaining about anything, good for nothing they are. They wanting Tooheys New or not? I wasn't even going to tell them about the house thing, but you bastards have brought it up now. They should be thanking me those piss-ants. Most of them are barely being sober at any point to realise what is going on anyway, such pissheads." When asked about the brand new BMW 7 series sitting in his driveway, Arjuna said "no comment".
A spokesperson for the players in the team said in a statement that they were very happy (hiccup) with the deal and were "aware of the sly, gutter tactic dealings" the captain had received. The captain has apparently been embezzling money from the team "for years".

No news on Savs

by Len Banano

Sydney (Rueters) - In a dramatic change from recent times, there is no news is worth reporting about the Battered Savs today. No sources have approached this news agency with leaks from team members, no on or off field antics have caused a stir, no major incidents of importance have taken place.

In other news, three people were found dead in what appears to be a bizaare cooking accident in Penrith in Sydneys outer western suburbs.

Police have confirmed all three died sometime between 2.30am and 7am Sunday morning from severe anal toxmosis caused by cloves of garlic inserted into the rectum.

Police sources have gone on record as saying they do not beleive this is related to last years homosexual vampire slayer deaths.

Arjuna to implement safe work place

After last night’s performance, Captain & Selector Arjuna has decided to implement the B.A.L to .05 in line with work cover OH&S requirements rather than .08 as prescribed by Tu Can....

The reflexes of all involved last night were a bit slower than normal. Some of the explainable causes could be due to the late game, the 50 beers consumed by 5 members of the team prior to the game or was it that some of the other team bowlers were a lot quicker than anticipated or was it a combination of all three! Time will tell.

To prevent recurrence Random breathe tests may be carried out prior to future games. And those found exceeding the limit will be reprimanded and fined their match fee and may be suspended.
The umpires reading must have been more than .08 due to his performance last night. It will be interesting to read the coroner & ICC report in addition to not finding his brain following the police investigation. I recall him remarking once that Kel looked familiar and wanted to know if he knew Kel from Weekend detention at Parramatta Jail.

ICC TO INVESTIGATE UMPIRES DEATH

Breaking news.....The ICC is to investigate the suspicious circumstances into the death of the Umpire from Broken Hill.

It has come to hand that the Umpire was seen talking to a rather shady character at the FDICC car park prior to the game. Some eyewitnesses report the shady character looked a lot like Mukesh Gupta the famous bookmaker from Mumbai who had flown into Sydney for this vital show down.

The ICC will be reviewing tapes, as one has to take into account that there were two deliberate calls of a wide and no ball at crucial moments of the game. The last three balls in particular will be of great interest to us, an ICC official has stated. The game was decided on these deliveries.

Umpire Found Dead

By Dirk Diggler

The body of a man believed to be a cricket umpire for an inner west indoor cricket centre was found early this morning by cleaners outside the complex. It appears the man died as a result of having a massive brain explosion, although witnesses on the scene have found no trace of any brain.
Police identified the body to be that of 6 year old Carny Poodlehead of Broken Hill. Colleagues say he was only 6 but suffered a dreadful virus which made him look 94. Though he still had the thought processes of a 6 year old.
Police also said the man had all the hallmarks of looking as though he had worked in a circus, "he's a bit of a freak alright", said Constable Care, "his head's all out of shape, looks like he's got no ears, and he has miniature hands and feet. The mullet does not do him any favours either. Its either that or he was badly burnt in a fire at some stage".
As to the cause of death, Constable Care said," see it all the time, its caused by a pressure imbalance whereby the vacuous space inside this guys head was just too big a void to stand the pressure. "
Friends have said how each Thursday afternoon he would catch the train from Broken Hill to his indoor cricket centre. "He loved his job, he always wished he'd had more time to study the actual rules of cricket", said a friend.
Due to a complete lack of interest in the man as a person, no funeral will be held. Instead a leading pet food supplier has shown an interest in "value-adding" something special for dogs this Christmas.

ICC THREATEN HOLLYWOOD FOR OUTBURST

Hollywood's recent outburst to the press regarding the Captain/selectors decision not to play him and Dabber for the up and coming important match has landed him in hot water by the ruling authorities.

The ICC has put the selectors on notice regarding this outburst by Hollywood and bringing the Captain, selectors, and the game into disripute. Rumour are circling that the ICC is considering a move similar to that of Stuart Magill or the other famous cricketers Dean Jones & Michael Slater. Time will tell if this is the outcome by the ICC.

The ICC are also investgating bribery allegation against Hollywood for not running between wickets but rather waddling and thorwing his wicket on numerous occasions. Video footage has been summoned by the ICC.

Hollywoods sudden weight loss is also under the microscope.....

Selector speaks out !!

In an effort to alleviate concerns over selection policy, Savs self appointed selector and captain has hit back at suggestions of playing favourites. In a statement to the press he has come out blazing and put the whole team on notice. "I an sik and tried of all the whingeing from Hollywood. He is a punce who should ramember his place" In directly refuting claims regarding his sexual preference, Arjuna outlined "I have a wif, I do nut alow other mens to park their bikes anywhere near my rack" . Arjuna also detailed new selection policy which is sure to have sent shockwaves throughout the Savs family "I well select who I'm wanting to when I'm wanting to for whatever reason I'm wanting to" Again Arjuna singled out Hollywood in tirade that is sure to fireup the next team meeting, "Hollywood is a junior member of the team and I regrat givin hem the opportunity at captaning the side, just who does he think he us ? I would suggest Hollywood to grab a coke and shut the f... up" Media sources said earlier that Hollywood could not be contacted due to messaging issues with his mobile phone.

Hollywood and Dabs Snubbed By Selector

The cricketing community was reeling today at the shock exclusion of Hollywood and Dabs in the must win game on Monday night at the FDICC.
Speaking to reporters today outside the Battered Sav HQ, Hollywood expressed his dismay at the decision by quasi captain and self appoionted selector Arjuna. Hollywood was fuming " the decision is crap!" as he asked "who the hell is this guy Greg?!?" which was also followed by "I hate that poof Arjuna, he's always had something against me, that faggot!."
Dabs has declined to comment, taking a more subtle approach to the situation, by firebombing Arjuna's letterbox.
"Its a tough decision" stated Arjuna, " I have left myself off the team so don't get carried away".

Savs Camp?

By Bert Begler

Sydney (Rueters) - The cricket world is reeling for the second time in as many days as news escapes the Battered Savs "camp" that many of the team may be batting for the other side.

Just hours after the dramatic rescue of the BS's from flaming aeroplane wreckage in the wastelands of the Afghanistan mountains, todays revelation is said to have started from within the embattled team.

It has been a dramatic year for the Savs so far, so many times the brides maids, many in the know were betting the selection policies and encumbent captain, Arjuna, would be scrapped this season for a fresh start, contraversially this has not happened. Speaking at a recent function, ex-Australian batsman david Boon went on record as saying "so many times the Savs have showed promise throughout the season, on and off the pitch, and each time they have let the fans, and more importantly, themselves down. I dont see why this year would be any different. Whats more they couldnt drink themselves out of a wet paper bag". Apart from making no sense, Boon has many supporters. In recent weeks a list of names reading like a veritable whos who of Australian cricket have come out to bag the Savs lack of action. Thompson, lillee, O'Donnell, Gillespie, Walters, Owatabanagastacanads to name but a few are all on record.

This latest revelation could be the making or the breaking of the Savs for this season, and some say the Savs as an entity could self implode. Although the latest rumours of pillow biting are yet to be verified, a recent press release quotes actual members of the Savs squad, all of which have been unavailable for further comment.

One thing is certain, if the supposed brown suitcase packing rumours are true, a chunk of Australia's cricketing heritage could well be no more than skidmarked undies on a bedroom floor.

Alive to play another day

By Adam Entoos

Afghanistan (Rueters) - A search in the Southern mountains of Afghanistan for a crashed aeroplane carrying a group of Australian cricket players has ended on a happy note despite the search attempt having no success.

Two Afghanistani children playing with a two band radio set reported hearing a funny language. Their school teacher who was fluent in English confirmed it was indeed a funny language and identified it to Australian of origin albeit slurred and accompanied with much giggling, burping, and fart jokes. The teacher and his two industrious students were able to ascertain that it was infact the survivors of the recent plane crash, who were, apart from each having severe headaches and nausea, alive and well.

Rescuers were able to track the radio signal and upon arriving at the wreckage, found the industrious and plucky Australians had rigged a transmitter using nothing more than beverage cans, shoe laces and the bails from a set of cricket stumps. Witnesses confirmed that while they waited for rescue, they had also constructed a DIY kidney transplant machine. Experts beleive that the ingenuity of the Australians was the only reason they survived the carnage of the plane wreck and prior to that a five day drinking binge.

This reporter was able to interview the captian of the cricket team (who also captioned the plane) and after asking what they planned to do now, was advised they still planned on not only competing in their cricket game tomorrow night (Thursday night Australian) but armed with this ordeal go on to win the entire competition. I also asked the Captain how he found the time to Captain cricket, manage his portfolio of assets and learn to fly and he responded "learn to fly"?

Savs again

We are now more than halfway through the Sav's season and although they have put on quite a show recently there is no doubt the next week could be fundamental to the eternal question - will the Sav's finally get a trophy. You see, the Sav's have had quite a history, a team so full of promise in many a season yet when the final test has come they just haven't been able to make it.

Sure, there have been good times - who will ever forget the young Sav's that made up Bruces 8. What a season it was as the over achieving young sausages not yet wrapped in batter really put the stick up their opponents at the Bankstown international sports centre. Who will forget the night Dabber lost it ? Who will forget Grouch and Dabbers magnificent partnerships - they carried much less weight back then. Who will forget a young up and coming fast bowler getting through the batsmen and smashing the captains face, glasses and confidence all in one ferocious ball. Who will forget the emergence of Arjuna ? What about the challenges of a past era married vs unmarried, Christian vs non Christian, paster vs pasta oh yes the glory days ! At times such as this one can forget ones roots, we should never forget. The evolution from Brucies to Mikies 8 was a phenomenon, oh how we wanted Bruce back. The team made 3 finals over this period. Then there came Chullora and the emergence of the glasscutter's ahh yes the days of cutting each others grass. There were downtimes as well - who can forget being followed out of the arena by members of the emerging terrorist cells in the general area. It was at this time that many players asked themselves the question - Why are these smelly hot tempered and violent morons playing our game - the peoples game - it's a game not a war, wanker ! The theme became, 'Who let the dogs out' became famous for surely the playing arena had been overrun.

Then the move to Five Dock occurred and again finals were made and lost. Who could forget the star performances of sneeky before a terrible run of luck, the prowess of Speechly in the field or Hairbears pink bat ! Who could forget the night we brought an American Indian into the team, warning him to wear a protector. Who could forget the appearance of the 12th man? Who could forget the heartbreak and again failing to take the prize..............

The question is however, does this current group have what it takes ? Will the Sav's finally fulfil the potential ? Will the hero's of the past be able to provide one final push or will the new crop of potential champions carry the Sav, and present a pork sausage worth putting on a stick and wrapping in batter ?

Who knows for sure, it is true however that the next week or so will tell a story. The Sav's warm up against a lowly placed team tonight but then face their biggest challenge on monday night against the competition leaders.

HISTORY is waiting, some of us read it, some of us talk about it, some of us watch it, some of us are just a part of it - WILL THE SAV'S MAKE IT!