Raman Subba Row

For those of you who were at Hollywoods farewell and thought the old english guy was full of @#$!, then we were sadly mistaken. We were with cricket royalty. 1961 World Cricketer of the Year and considered to be the most senior match official in the world. Check out the following link: http://content-usa.cricinfo.com/ci/content/player/20406.html

Captain cops three years

Captain Slack yesterday was disqualified for three years for using a cattle prod on the Savs during a indoor cricket game.

The FDICC Appeals and Disciplinary Board imposed the penalty after Slack admitted he bought a cattle prod from the Tool Shed for $110 as a "last resort" to get his players to produce their best.

Board chairman Judge Drinkslikalizd described Slack's action as "premeditated" as he had been prepared to use "a jack or jigger" twice on the Savs.
Judge Drinkslikalizd said it was "a sad state of affairs" when a Captain, in a bid to entice the Savs to perform better, reverted to inflicting pain on a Sav via an electrical shock.
"Use of these devices, apart from their unsavory aspect, should be seen for what it is, just another form of cheating," he said.
"Use of such devices tarnishes the image of Indoor Cricket and any reasonable member of the community would be affronted by the revelation that a Sav would be subjected to pain by an electrical shock."

FDICC legal adviser Reebs, asked the board to disqualify Slack for five years.
Reebs said Slack's actions were tantamount to cheating by gaining an unfair advantage over other Captains and there had been a high degree of premeditation involved.
He also said Slack was prepared to put personal gain ahead of the welfare of the Savs.
During a dramatic board hearing, Slack pleaded guilty to all four charges brought against him following an exhaustive probe.
Investigators undertook a surveillance operation at FDICC in late October and on November 14.
Slack broke down and was comforted by friends as he pleaded to the charges.

He was charged with being in possession of an electrical device that is capable of affecting the performance of a Sav in a game or a drinking session.

Slack, who pleaded guilty to all three charges, declined to comment outside the hearing.

When asked during the hearing by Judge drinkslikalizd of his attitude to an electrical shock being given to a Sav, Slack replied: "It's cruel."

Pressed by Arjuna if he accepted that, Slack acknowledged: "Yes, I do."

Slack offered no excuse for his behavior.

"I know it was the wrong thing to do," he said.

Hollywood confirms it's over

By Toby Forage
FOXSPORTS.com.au
December 21, 2006 Hollywood today announced what everyone expected, but nobody wanted to hear: his indoor cricket career is just two matches from being over.

The 57-year-old leg-spin bowler ended all speculation and officially called time on his remarkable career as an Battered Savs player at 12.40pm (AEDT), his retirement to take effect, immediately after this evenings game.

"It's been unbelievable - my journey and my ride in indoor cricket has been phenomonal."

Hollywood, 57, spoke in front of a packed press conference in Melbourne, less than a day before the game against the Zt Sensations begins at the Five Dock Indoor Cricket Centre, his home patch.

He said he might have made this announcement a year ago, had the Savs not been beaten by in last years series.

"Had we won that series last year, I would probably have retired after that," he revealed.

"I just had that desire to help get the urn back, and the (Savs) team has always come first."

"I saw how much that loss hurt and it became a mission for the team to get the urn back."

The world's most successful bowler, Hollywood needs just one wicket to become the first man to take 700 in indoor.

He took his 699th to end the Rats meek resistance two weeks ago, clean bowling Apu Nahasapeemapetilon just after lunch on the first day to wrap up the match and secure the urn for the Savs.

In a dream twist of fate, Hollywood is now expected to claim his 700th at Five Dock, his home ground as a Savs cricketer for his entire first-class career Down Under.

He will also finish his career in Sydney, where he made his debut close to 14 years ago during the New Year Test in 1992.

Hollywood will, however, honour the final two years of his contract at English county side Hampshire, where he has been captain for the past two seasons.

Hollywood said he told his family yesterday he would be retiring.

"I told my kids and they were a bit disappointed because they thought I wouldn't be able to play backyard cricket anymore," he said. "They responded that they didn't think I could play cricket at the moment...............cheeky bastards!!!!!!!!"

"That was quite funny. Of course, I told them it didn't mean I couldn't play with them anymore, and I'm really looking forward to spending more time with them.

Hollywood took his first wicket for the Savs in January 1992 during his debut at the Five Dock Indoor Cricket Centre, when he had India indoor legend Ravi Shastri caught off his bowling by Reebs, but not before he'd scored 206 runs off the alloted 2 overs.

It was an inauspicious start to what would become an unbelievable career, which today is being compared to Tucans in terms of significance and stature in cricket's history.

Hollywood finished that Sydney Test with 1-150 of two overs before hooking up with bowling coach Macca, the man who transformed his career and remains his mentor today.

Barely a year after that horror debut, Hollywood produced the "ball of the century" during at the Old Trafford Indoor Cricket Centre, spinning his first ball in the iconic contest to England batsman Mike Gatting that pitched outside leg stump before turning past Gatting's outside edge to take off stump.

It remains arguably the most significant wicket he has taken. Gatting was regarded as one of the world's best players of spin bowling, and that wicket cast a spell that will only be broken with Hollywood's retirement.

Even when the Savs lost the urn for the first time in 18 years in 2005, Hollywood performed out of his skin, taking an astonishing 40 wickets to be named the Savs player of the year.

Hollywood said he felt now the time was right to call it quits, having won the urn earlier this week, and he didn't feel sad about it, but happy. Ironically the rest of the Savs line up are also reported to be happy at the announcement.

He also tried to allay fears that the Savs would be weakened without him at its disposal.

"We're very lucky that first-class cricket in Five Dock is very strong and we have best first-class cricket system in the world," he said.

"There will be players that will come up.” “I am confident that tempter will carry the leg spinning mantle for the Savs”

He also said to those that thought he was retiring too early that he was happy they thought so much of him.

"For those that will miss me, that makes me feel nice," he said.

"I feel I am an entertainer and every time I go out there I go as an entertainer and put on a show.

"I go over the top a bit from time to time with appeals, abuse and occasionally violence and all that, but that's me, it's just me expressing myself.

"At times I've pushed the line, i know, but I like to think that I have made it more fun. I tried my guts out every time. It's as simple as that."

Hollywood admitted he was not quite as clear about his future, but once the series is over, he'll turn his attention to that.

"I'll sit back and have a few beers and a couple of smokes and see what the future holds," he said.

hollywood goes back to his roots

more details as they emerge.

Slick Moved to Tears

Slick has admitted Sav's agony has reduced him to tears but insists he and past captain Arjuna are getting along just fine.

The Sav captain yesterday spoke candidly of his inner pain of a summer gone wrong but also released some anger at the critics.

"I was so upset," Slick said of the defeat in 2 weeks ago.

"I have never experienced such a sense of loss after a cricket match and I hope I never feel that bad ever again. I wasn't boo-hooing or anything like that but the tears were there.
"We've taken huge stick and I can't argue with that but don't accuse this Sav team of not caring.
"That upsets me even more. I give everything when I am on the cricket field and always have done.

"I was in shock for hours after the game. It wasn't until I woke up the next morning that the real horror began to sink in.
"When I woke up, my first thought was that it had all been a bad dream."
It's understood Arjuna and Slick were at loggerheads over the selection of spinner Tempter ahead of Bananannanannanan.

Arjuna wanted to recall Bananannanannanan but Slick was adamant Tempter was the right man.

"Selection wasn't an issue for four days and wasn't the reason we lost," Slick said.
"It seems some people must have somebody or something to blame. Things go wrong on the cricket field, as they do in life.

"Of course, selection meetings are all about discussion and different points of view, but whatever side goes out there has the full support of everyone.
"Arjuna and I have a good relationship. I have a big say in selecting the team. It seems daft to have to say it but we always pick a side to win.
"Why would you try to do anything else?"

The fallout from the debacle continues.

Hollywood, the man Sav had hoped would play a key role this summer, is facing the axe for this week's game, while the Bananannanannanan-Tempter debate continues.
Tempter has cut a morbid figure at the team hotel in recent days after his terrible efforts with the bat, ball and in the field.

Arjuna and Tempter received abusive phone calls in their hotel rooms in, although Tempter' tormentor rang back the next day to apologise.

"Does it hurt more because I am captain? No, it was the same for everyone," Slick said in the News Of The World.

"It was universal suffering.
"Of course Sav cricket supporters are upset. I don't blame them."

Savs mystery woman

Just when the Savs thought they had built a bridge over the torrent of contraversy that has dogged them during the 2006 festival of cricket, pictures have surfaced embroiling the team and specifically Savs hard man Tucans into more shit.

Pictures were today provided to Womans Day by an anonymous source showing Tucan and an as yet unknown "lass" enjoying a night out at the Five Dock Conservatorium of Beer.

The anonymous source claimed to have been at the FDC the night the photos were taken, and witnessed "the whole thing" as the two "thoroughly enjoyed each others company".

"Tucan was with some girl and they drank and laughed all night, played some pool, then sat in one of the darker corners and whispered together", the source said.

The unknown female was obviously smitten with the big man and impressed with his use of the stick, unable to take her eyes off him (as pictured).

Claims that the female is Five Dock Conservatorium resident Bronwyn Hisslop, three times divorcee and mother of 5 is yet to be confirmed.

Angela Bishop

New Sav Coat of Arms Encourages "Coming Out"

Darlinghurst Tool Shed


Leading gay activists have heralded the new look Sav strip as a shining beacon in the dark world of indoor cricket.

Ex-captain Arjuna said "the game used to be dominated by boofy men and blokey talk, but now the Savs openmindedness has shown a softer side to it. "

Bruce McAvaney

Beazley farewells Thorpe

Opposition leader Kim Beazley has put his considerable weight behind the swell of congratulatory well wishes for the retiring Thorpe.

"I was shocked to learn that Billy Thorpe was retiring from international swimming", said Beazley, "but thank him for his contribution and wish him well on the next stage of his journey with the Savs".

"Its obvious Billy was brought up by his lesbian mother with little contact from his father so I think having men like the womanizing, beer swilling Kel as a role model will do Billy a world of good. I have seen Billy out on the turps and he gets legless just walking past a pub so he already has a lot in common with Tucan as well. I think he'll fit right in".

Crack McSwiggins
Five Dock Herald

Thorpe Quits Swimming to Join Sav's

Laurie Lawrence.

The House of Five Dock

Ian Thorpe has thrown in the towel on a brilliant swimming career to join top indoor cricket team, the Battered Savs.

In a shock press conference held today at the prestigous House of Five Dock (a dark, stale function room out the back of the FDH), the big swimming star revealed he had been offered a job he couldn't refuse with the big team.

Stating that he liked the vibe and feel about the Savs, the world record holder was particularly taken with the teams new away strip. "I think this look is me, you can dress it up, and bingo, you're out on the town. Or you can dress it down, and just lounge around the house in just the team shirt and a bit of bling bling below, its just so Sydney right now.... so 2007!"

Team spokesperson on all things queer, poofy, a bit dodgy, or just downright gay- Kel, said today, I am starting to get p*ss off with this immature comments from some people who can't get over a grudge. If people have a problem with me or then be a man and say it to my face, if not build a bridge and get over.

Sav's New Logo - Rough and Ready or just Camp?

Shatique Lafoundaye
E News

Serious questions regarding the sexuality of Sav's leading wicket taker in season 2006, Kel, have been raised after the release of the Sav's new logo.

After recently admitting to a long and involved history with small fury animals, the Sav's big man has launched a controversal new logo for the team - much to the ire of some other team members.

One Sav described the emblem as "a tent silhoutte of a gay camping trip gone wrong".



Rumours are rampant after Kel's recent split with his long term partner.


Fanning the flames of inuendo is Kel's renewed interest in his champion pomeranian Max, culminating in the pairs recent victory in Newtown.







Adding further weight was the shock appointment of new manager Roger MeSillee the French born marketing mistro. The two have been spotted on multiple occaisions - the latest was in the David Jones corporate tent at Royal Randwick.






In a brief but short statement through his manager, Kel declared





"I am starting to get p*ss off with this immature comments from some people who can't get over a grudge. If people have a problem with me or Roger then be a man and say it to his face, if not build a bridge and get over it."

Arjuna Back Stabbed

Rooters.

**NEWS FLASH**

We interrupt this blog to report news that Arjuna was "backstabbed" during his innings with the bat last night at the FDICC.
A handful of nasty spectators infiltrated the Sav camp and were overheard saying something like "Arjuna coming back for a sneaky second run would be like trying to turn the QEII around!".
More news as it comes to hand.

Sav's Super Statistical Stand-in Skipper

Charles Johnston-Tait
Wisdon Cricket

The Savs resident stats man and stand-in skipper has made a sensational debut leading the Savs to an easy victory over their subcontinental oponents last night.

Questions were raised earlier in the evening about the ability to transfer the skills of the spreadsheet to the pitch, but in a great display of bowling strategy, the Savs achieved a comfortable win and secured a total of 7/8 points for the night.

However, not all Reeb's captaincy decisions were deemed to be astute. Partnering the Sav's former Captain, Arjuna with incumbant Captain Slick for the final skin certainly raised a couple of eyebrows. Unfortunately the strategy didn't pay dividends as their off the pitch fued didn't dissapate once the Sav's captains hit the middle. Slick's cold shoulder to Arjuna manifested itself in an extreme lack of communication. Unfortunately for the Sav's this lead to multiple mix ups in the causing numerous run-outs. As one spectator commented, "The pair are making an easy 3 look like a cheeky single" ... "it's as if Slick doesn't have faith in Arjuna's speed between the wickets - maybe we should give him a runner?".

When questioned on the decision of the pairing, Reebs replied "Statistically it wasn't brilliant - but hey, I though it'd be fun - a great crowd pleaser too. Personally I was hoping for a little more fireworks ... a bit of Highlander action ' there can be only one!', but in the end they both played ok - I think they wanted to out-stat each other".

It'll be one of the most anticipated stat releases in a while. However I think the world will be waiting for while as the successful stand-in skipper was last seen in the early morning hours partaking in a few celebratory beverages at the Team's official watering hole.

New sex scandal surrounds Hollywood

Hollywood doesn't waste time.

Less than a month into Hollywood’s Battered Savs Indoor cricket season another sex story has appeared in an Australian tabloid.

Pictures in Sunday's edition of the tabloid Five Dock Herald allegedly show Hollywood and two 25-year-old models involved in sexual positions with a blow up toy, allegedly taken three weeks ago.

The alleged sexual episode occurred in Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs following Hollywood's comeback match.

One of the models, Amanda Huggenkiss, has known Hollywood for a few years but said things only started heating up after she learnt that the cricketer had separated from his wife.
"I've known him for years but nothing happened before because I knew he was married," said the New-Zealand born Huggenkiss.

"But since his split he's been texting like mad. He even sent me one during a match."

The other model Ivana Humapalot praised Hollywood's performance.
"Hollywood's a stallion and very willing to experiment. He loved playing around with the inflatable and was up for anything," she said.

After the impressive win in his comeback match, Hollywood claimed he was suffering.

He said in an interview: "If I'm honest, I'm tired out and I am starting to get p* off with this immature behaviour from some people who can't get over my popularity,texting skills and exploits. If they have a problem with it then be a manabout it and say it to my face, if not build a bridge and get over it."

Hollywood's management did not immediately return calls nor did the Captain of the Sav's.

Savs unveil new away kit.

Hollywood's New Compound Completed

Queensland Tourism

The Sydney born, soon to be Gold Coast based powerhouse that is Hollywood, has released the first images of his new pad. The 10,500 square metre complex, comprises a palatial mansion that has everything, from massage rooms, full size olympic indoor pool, a golf driving range, and of course, an indoor cricket complex. Its also understood that the interior of the property is completely lined with mirrors. However the finishing touch, in true Hollywood style, is his name erected on the mountain overlooking the property.

Hollywood, who has been busy preparing to move into the palace, spoke very briefly with reporters last night at a trendy Sydney nightspot Zeta bar. "We are very pleased with the progress on our new home. Looking forward to just getting there and unwinding"
Hollywood has been hard to get to following his premiere appearance with the Sav's a few weeks ago. Hollywood and his entourage - hired security and, presumably, close friends - were strategically placed around the bar to ensure that no one whipped out a camera. Conversely, Kanye West, who arrived at the bar close to midnight after performing with U2 earlier in the night, and Australian Idol host Andrew G, mingled freely with the crowd, even posing for photos.
"Thats the problem with the big celebs", stated bar manager Dabs, "they think they're too cool for school and I am starting to get p* off with this immature behaviour from some people who can't get over popularity. If have a problem with it then be a man and say it to my face, if not build a bridge and get over it."

UPDATED - CLICK HERE to see Arjuna the Musical 2 - The Grudge

More footage has been uncovered of Arjuna the Musical - now playing in the East End.

Be thrilled by the classic like it has never been seen before.

See an inspiring performance and the classic line delivered like it has never been delivered before."I am starting to get p* off with this immature comments from some people who can't get over a grudge. If have a problem with it then be a man and say it to his face, if not build a bridge and get over it"

You'll laugh, you'll cry, then you will build a bridge and get over it.

CLICK HERE for Exclusive footage of Arjuna the Musical

Be the first to see exclusive footage of Arjuna and Kel singing the classic "All Night Long" from the new Show Arjuna the Musical.

Arjuna the Musical

You have to wonder why anyone would find Arjuna to be a suitable and interesting subject for a musical/opera/cabaret. But if Philip Glass can make an artistic and critical hit out of Tucan’s historic visit to The Melbourne Cup Carnival in 2006 then I imagine then almost anything can be turned into art or entertainment given enough talent.

And talent is what there is plenty of in this production. Bennetto’s great musical score and very clever lyrics make for a wonderful piece of theatrical entertainment that explores the life and times of this highly colourful and often paradoxical captain in such a way that the audience ends up absolutely engaged from beginning to end.

Some wonderful characters from the era make and appearance – Dabs, Slick and a very freaky Hollywood among others – but the real laughs are reserved for Grouch and for Bennetto’s own portrayal of Kel.The audience actually booed and hissed Slick at appropriate times were generally left to ponder, by the end of the show, just what kind of team we might have had by now had we not voted the way we did in 2006.

It is probably fair to say that this production really does rather cater for the ‘true believer’, the Arjuna supporter (or perhaps more appropriately the Slick hater) among the theatre going public, but a wonderful time will be had by all, no matter what colour your skin.The music is first rate and Mike McLeish in the central role of Arjuna is fabulous.
The songs are catchy, particularly Arjuna’s Leader of the Land and Hollywood’s Freaky (sung with more than a passing reference to Sweet Transvestite).

It’s a great show. Billed as Arjuna! The Opera, it could have put a few folks off but believe me there is little, if anything, of traditional opera about this production. See it if you can.

Sav gets behind Bush

Sav big batter and ace vanity maker Tucan has thrown his support behind embattled President George Bush over the weekend.

The two were joined by George Bush senior for a spot of fishing in the popular recreational fishing spot of New Orleans.

Pictures appeared on the big fellas personal Blog "Tu-can-do" on Monday morning showing the Bush' success with their rods.

A statement lending his support to Bush Junior also appeared on the blog.

"Hes a good bloke" said Tucan. "In fact they both are. I havent seen any of the older Georges movies but apparently he was in some Westerns. I love westerns. Bush Junior is also a good bloke, hes in a war. Im not for war but I am for it if its a war they want, its a war theyll get. There are some wars we know we know about, and there are some wars we know we dont know about, and there are some wars we dont know we dont know about. Im for that".

When asked why he didnt attend the trip John Howard said "Fishing? George told me his mum was sick so it was called off".

Reuters

Kel's Fury Friend Finishes First

Heather Hunter

Newtown Times

Sav’s big man, avid punter and owner of his own replica mini-Kel, has continued his amazing success on focusing on all things small and gay.

Kel’s puffy little pouch ‘Max’ the Pomeranian has recently taken out the Best-in-Show in the Newtown Fury Friend Fair at the regions famous Bank Hotel.

Asked what we the secret to his success, Kel stated:
“It’s a mix of a great diet, good grooming and a lot of tender love and care. Sirloin steaks, Sunsilk and Shakespeare. You can’t go wrong with that. Mini-Kel has certainly been a valuable addition to our team, has he can get down into those tricky areas and give Max a bit of rub and touch up. It little fella loves it, and it relaxes Max a great deal before he hits the stage.”

Current and former Sav’s were at the event to support their team mate. Sneaky, an avid lover of all things small and furry, was amongst the action. The part time Bookmaker ran a successful tote with all winnings (minus a small administrative fee) being donated to the RSPCA (Royal Society for Protecting Cricketing Annananananans).

Ocki ‘the Grouch’ and 3 time FFF champion Hairbear, also made rare and special combined guest appearance as the head judges for the Hotel’s Fashions of the Fury Field.

However the day belonged the Big fella, who in tow with the mini fella, took home the prizes and has certainly opened up a previously untapped sponsorship market for the Savs.

Hollywood Opens Fire

Angus Patterson-Smith
Fairfax Group


Battered Savs superstar Hollywood has waded into the war of words over the team’s mistreatment of their youngest member.

“Why can’t these bloody aid organisations go help out some homeless kid in Sri Lanka, Bangladesh or other curry country, or even a starving runt in Zimbabwe – we all know how crap their cricket is at the moment. They need help, we don’t”

“As a former child star myself, there is nothing bad about being paraded infront of the international media. People love you, they give you all kinds of cool stuff for free – and you’re never lonely. I loved to be loved.”

In his address to the media scrum outside his new palacial residence on the Gold Coast, Hollywood was rather amused by all the fuss and couldn’t believe the exposure Pannananan was getting.

“I haven’t seen such an frenzied appetite from the media since my old mate Hansie Cronjie was wrongfully implicated in match fixing, (of the media) it’s like watching Arjuna at an all you can eat buffet.”

No official word has been release on the state of the young Sav player at the centre of this saga. Sources close to him have hinted that the “detention” from the Anananananan family may actually be a guise. It’s rumoured that the Little Banananan is off to rehab to dry-out, recover and undergo anger management therapy.

The family has a bit of history with this ‘illness’. D’Ananananan has already missed the majority of the seasons opening games due to his compulsory attendence at a local clinic for an undisclosed condition. And no one can forgets the on-field incident during the Sav’s charity Rugby match in the off season which left him with a fractured cheek bone and impressive shiner.

Top Cops In Trouble For Impersonating A Sav

I.C.A.C. Five Dock

Two NSW police are under fire today for alledgedly impersonating leading Savsters Tucan and Kel.
The officers, known only as "Fat" and "Skinny", were snapped above trying to assimilate into the now undoubtedly world famous indoor cricket team, whilst at Royal Randwick on Cup day. The two will plead guilty before the Sav Republican Council, headed up by Chancellor Slick on the planet of Coruscant.
Slick later read this short statement outside the Sav Temple;
" I am starting to get p* off with this immature actions from some people who can't get over us being famous. If (you) have a problem with it then be a man and say it to my face, if not build a bridge and get over it."
Tucan, who could not be reached for further comment, is reported as saying it would be good have a few senior police within the ranks of the Sav's so that they can drive home after games legally.
Kel was also optimistic about their possible inclusion; "Cops are Tops. They can get stuff for you thats really hard to find on the streets. Plus if someone cuts you off on the road, they'll get you their address".

UNICEF probe Savs

The United Nations Children’s Fund (UNICEF) is lobbying the International Cricket Board to hold an inquest into the Savs internal handling of incidents involving their young star recruit Pananannannnaan.

The loveable young Sav, endearingly dubbed “the Little Bananannanana” by fellow Sav Kel (who’s penchant for all things small is starting to disconcert many), has been bought before the juvenile court on multiple charges of assault and possession of un-named prohibited substances.
UNICEF envoy for Australian child sport stars, Harry Kewell, has expressed grave concerns for the welfare of the young Sav, and has bought into question the decision of exposing the player to international stardom at such a young age.

“The decision to repeatedly select Young Banananas [sic] in the Battered Sav’s starting line up shows an absolute disregard for his safety and welfare. Not only are the games played well past his bed time, but he is constantly being exposed to an explicit adult world of gambling and alcohol.”
“You only have to look at the recent activity of Sav senior players to understand why the young Pan [sic] has acted is his way. Reckless punting, insobriety and outlandish purchases at a recent Melbourne Cup function by Tucan, McCool, Reebs and Kel have not assisted”.

UNICEF has not ruled out taking legal actions against the Savs and the player’s older brother and Manager D’Annanannanan on charges of child labour and exploitation.

A media release is expected by the close of the day by Sav’s management.

Sav to star in movie

Polly Hunter
Entertainment Tonight

McCool, one of the new breed of Savs who has been short listed for this years prestigious Golden Sav has recenlty been named the leading man in an upcoming thriller to be filmed at Australis Gold Coast Movie World.

Shooting for the film "The McCool Identity" has has the Sav who recenlty turned 43 going out for a drink one night and later being fished out of Sydney Harbour by a ferry crew with a bullet in his back and suffering from amneisure. The thriller is flush with amazing special effects and fart jokes, features a Benny Hill esque chase scene and finished triumphantly with a thrilling "kite duel" in the streets of down town Newcastle.

"Its a big thrill thats for sure, in fact its been a great year for me. Life really doest begin when your 43".

Already there is talk of a follow up. "Yeah we're planning another nine based on this character" said the star. Im co-writing with Sammy on the next one as we speak", referring to Savs spin doctor Sammy Bourgelais.

Incredibly all nine sequels are to be released simutaneously in a McCool box set, in order they are:

The McCool Supremacy
Mad McCool
McCool strikes back
McCool, wheres my car
Romy & McCools highschool reunion
McCool at Hanging Rock
McCool of Alcatraz
Breakfast at McCools, and
I dream of McCool.

In related news, soon to be Premier of Queensland and current McCool team mate with the Savs Hollywood has denied rumours he had a hand in bringing the block busters to QLD or in McCool playing the leading role.

"Sure I had a word or two and sure a mountain moved when I did so, but to say it all happened because of me is close to not true at all".

Sav in Movembergate

Reebs, Savs allrounder and stat and race fixer has had his name linked to further allegations of corruption.

The star, who some claim to be the secretive and elusive underworld figure "Moustache Max" is almost perpetually surrounded by contraversy due to his weekly release of international cricketing statistics and awards while some claim he has been involved in race fixing after known employees of the cricketer were seen "having a bit of a word" to Melbourne cup red hot favourite Torquay just moments before the big race.

But now many believe the long arm of the law is finally going to catch up. Fresh allegations have arisen following Reebs entry into the Movember event, raising money for mens health issues. Utilising the Savs own spin doctor Sammy Bourgelais to head his campaign the Sav has been quoted as saying "im gonna raise more dosh than any other niggaz".

But since the start of the event pictures have surfaced showing an already "tached" Reebs a good ten years prior to this years event. Dr Simon Fielder from the University of Sydneys facial hair institute was asked to give his opinion on the authenticity of the pictures. "In my opinion its the genuine real deal gentlemen". Comparing the picture to current photos he concluded "its the same tache Im in no doubt, yet incredibly it hasnt changed for at least ten and maybe even fifteen years. My mother has a better one", he later added. In deed a quick check of the press gallery (at least half of which were women) revealed that everyone present did in deed have a better mo.

Both Reebs and Sammy Bourgelais have remained unavailable for comment.

Slice McRidden
Five Dock Enquirer

Star SAV in poo poo.

Above pictured on the way to the station in the police vehicle.

Breaking news story!

Star SAVS allrounder involved in henious crimes against school teachers.

Star SAV Pananananannannanannanannanannanannanannananannanananannananan has alledgedly been arrested on charges of alledgedly 'disrupting class' and alledgedly being 'disrectpful to teachers".

The year nine youngerster believes he has been harsh done by "all i did was tap on the table, then she sent me out of the room, when i came back in i threw some lollies at a couple of my least favourite people, then i got sent to the principle and they called my mum, making all sorts of ludicrous allegations against me, trying to drag me name through the mud" and " i think its just cause they are all sooo jealous of my superiour indoor skills"

Panannanannannannanannannannannaannananan blames his poor efforts in the last match where he was outscored by Slick for the first time ever, as being due to having this whole debacle weighing on my mind".

It is believed he will be suing the school, when asked where the funds were coming from, he swiftly replied " my fellow savs will be bankrolling the case, as Reebs, Tucan Sam, Kel(and mini kel) and macca took my tip on Delta blues and are now flush with cash, i reckon they owe me"

Sources have told us that sentencing delivered on top of a detention, from the all powerful mother of the Savs-man, is that Pannananananananan has as of now been suspended from particpating in indoor cricket until the end the school term, which to a 15 year old is of course a life sentence, however our resident statsman Reebs reckons that'll be about 4 weeks, give or take a game.

Pannananannanannannanannannanananan is thought to be lodging an appeal by the end of the week to have his sentence reduced to having his mobilephone confiscated to stop his Warne-esque like lued messages to unsuspecting women after dark.


By Johnny 'the leak'.

Kel Gets His Own Mini-Me

By Gai Waterhouse

One time Hollywood wannabe - Kel, celebrated his fabulous Cup win by purchasing his very own mini-me, outside the stables at Royal Randwick on Tuesday.
The big man, seen handing over a large sum of cash for his pint sized replica of himself, then strode proudly around the members lawn with the little man by his side.
Asked whether he thought people might think its a bit wierd, Kel replied, " I'm sure there's a bit of a strange 'umpa-lumpa' vibe coming off, but its quite a buzz to turn to your side and see a miniature version of yourself looking back at you. He'd do anything for me too".
Mini-Kel, who hasn't spoken a word, seems to communicate with the big man by grunts and pointing to things. He has also been spotted randomly kicking complete strangers in the groin, and is also known to be a biter. This strange quirk apparently appealed to Kel, who when picking him out of a litter of other circus freaks, commented on how he loved a bit of rumbling, and general banter.
"The only draw back to the whole thing is the that little bugger smells like cabbage".

Savs Wrapped In Suits

By Johnny Tap.

Only a few Battered Sav faithfuls braved the onslaught of all you can eat eye candy at Royal Randwick yesterday to celebrate all the colour, fashion, and racing that is Melbourne Cup day.

Pictured above sporting the latest in male fashion, Macca, Reebs, Tucan, and Kel, worked the crowd on the members lawn with precision, skill, and brought home the bickkies when it came to the all important punt on the big race. Deciding early in the day to pool their finances, the Sav's plunged an eye brow raising amount of hard earned on the outside chance Delta Blues. You could hear the sniggers and mumbled jokes from bookies close by as they saw how much the Sav Syndicate were willing to invest on the big Jap. With a bet each way, the Sav's were soon the ones laughing, as they looked for new places to stuff cash.

However, the big day's not all about the money. The Savs, having been invited to the Five Dock RSL Club tent, were wined and dined trackside with some of the finest philly's Sydney has to offer. With the FDRSL vying for the Sav's pre and post game business, the competition was stiff, particularly as the Savs look to re-sign with the FDC for next year.

More on the Sav's big day out as details come to hand.

Sav takes second prize in young brainiac award

All rounder, statistician, booze hound and general good guy of the Savs Reebs has taken out second place in the current season of the ABC's Brainiacs.

Competing against the best and smartest primary school kids from across the nation the Sav showed his mental agility to take the prize. "I was a bit worried at one stage there" Reebs said, "when they started with the long division questions I knew this was my archilles heel but hoped I would make up any short fall in the statistics questions. Luckily for me I did. I hope people will realise that theres more to me than just an elite athlete pumped to the eyeballs on roids".

Reebs later went on to refute claims he had asked the shows host, Juanita Phillips out on a date.

Reeters.

Sav to save Great Barrier Reef

by Harry Tickenbum
Five Dock Chronicle

Excitement is mounting in the land of the banana benders following news of the imminent arrival of Sav stalwart Hollywood on the Gold Coast. In a recent press conference Hollywood was presented with the keys to the state, which premier Peter Beattie immediately asked to borrow as he had left his in his other pants.

The press conference, which lasted for 17 hours covered a range of topics such as Hollywood accepting a drive in next years Indy Car, his thoughts on the banana industry "bananas are a thing of the past" said Hollywood. "Rockmelons are the future", and finishing with talk on the threat to the great barrier reef due to coral bleaching from global warming. "Leave it with me", said Hollywood, "Good as done. Ive got a wicked set of water proof markers".

This can do attitude is sure to make the incumbent premier uneasy.

Hollywood revives Savs

Five Dock Sun

Two wins from the last two FDICC clashes has seen the Savs bring themself back into finals contention for the 2006/07 season. The only thing that is in common with the victories, compared to the other five games of the season is the presence of Savs journeyman, Hollywood. He started his career with the Savs in 1997 at the famous Bankstown indoor cricket centre where for the first time he saw the spectacles of Canterbury Road at night. He also saw his first all in brawl on the adjoining indoor soccer court the year after at the much maligned Greenacre venue.

The bannnannana family also helped life the Savs last night with a wonderful father and son partnership and some masterful batting strokes from the young master. Pananana hit the ball around the FDICC promoting international selectors to consider this young prodidgy.

Hollywood has announced his retirement for the end of the year as he hangs up his gloves and picks up the surf board on the Gold Coast.

Star Sav On The Move

By Peter Beattie.

Rumblings and rumours about the contraversial loss of leading Savman Hollywood were confirmed last week with a short statement released from Hollywood's minders.

"We wish to confirm that Hollywood will be making the move to Queensland. We understand there will be a lot of people disappointed with his departure, but wish to re assure fans that he will continue to call Sydney home. There will be much doubt as to why this move was made, however we wish to dispel rumours that it was purely made in order for the warmer climate aiding the recuperation of his genital rash. That problem was fixed a long time ago. We ask that you leave his family alone and allow them to enjoy their final few weeks in Sydney. Thank you."

As the Premier of Queensland, I would personally like to welcome Hollywood on the Gold Coast! I'd also like to invite Hollywood and his Battered Sav team members to a formal civic reception upon arrival. I've been a good mate of Hollywood's for a long time, and I know we'll be catching up in a more regular basis from now on. We just love big personalities up here, and can't think of a better addition to our state. Thank you again.......

SAVS don't do enough for kids: Cosby

Monday Oct 30 15:04 AEDT

AP - Bill Cosby, who has ignited controversy in the past with his sometimes scathing rebukes, criticised the Battered Savs cricket at a weekend education conference, saying they do not do enough to help kids.

Cosby spoke at a forum called "Cricket Is a Civil Right, unless you are Arjuna." Hundreds of Los Angeles-area parents, teachers and students attended the event at Maranatha Community Church.

Cosby, 69, was critical of the white Savs, saying they do not involve themselves enough in fostering children's education and don't know what the future cricketing stars are up to.

"We've got SAVS who won't check the bedrooms of aspiring SAVS children to see if there's a gun," he said.

He chided the SAVS captain for not offering clear explanations to children who ask why courses such as English and algebra are necessary.

"If you play indoor cricket and you can't answer this child about the improtance of cricket, then you're in trouble, and the SAVS are in trouble," Cosby said. "We can't answer these children, because the SAVS don't give them any goals."

In the past, Cosby has criticised Arjuna for not knowing how to read or write and said that he had squandered opportunities the civil rights movement had given him. He is said that the SAVS whites are unfairly blamed for problems in the black community such as teen pregnancy and high dropout rates.


©AAP 2006

Stone Cold crumbles with Dr Phil

Tucan has broken down and cried while appearing on the top rated American talk show Dr Phil over the weekend.

The episode which goes to air this week and will be viewed by thousands of single mothers will show a softer side to the man they call "The Enforcer" and "Stone Cold" due to his love of American Wrestling star Stone Cold Steve Austin. In the interview Tucan, a front line bowler and batsman for the Savs talks about his obsession with vanity mirrors, an obsession he has turned into a lucrative career as well as his addiction to alcohol which recently came to the fore front of public opinion when he arrived to a game drunk and wearing no pants.

During the interview Tucans admits to the shame he felt over the episode and the embarrassment he caused his family, the interview ending when he broke down and cried on Dr Phil's lap. The shows producers were forced to go to an unscheduled ad break.

Support for the embattled star was fierce from his team mates as evidenced by Reebs actually taking off his trademark black leather back-zipper shorts and giving them to the star when he arrived sans pants to the game.

It is expected the show of emotion will also go down well with the single mother demographic.

Fingers O'Rafferty
Five Dock Herald

Sneaky and Hollywood restore order

SMH 30th October 2006

Fresh from there whirl wind autograph tour of South East Asia, Sneaky and Hollywood have returned in time to restore order to the world famous Savs. In the worst off season in the Savs illastrious history, the two icons of the club led from the front in helping the team win there opening game of the competitive season, which sees the Savs at the top of the FDICC table after one round.

In the lead up to the game, incumbent captain Slick was under immense pressure from the media and ex captain Arjuna who went out of his way to defame Slicks character, selection processes and family. Arjuna has even threatened to start a rebel league which has been meet with many a raised eye brow.

Sneaky and Hollywood who were blissfully unaware of the turmiol that had engulfed the Savs arrived at Sydney international Airport to a barrage of photos and questions from the media scrum that were on hand to question them. Slick said " I knew once these two boys returned from there overseas playing stint they would bring there winning culture to the savs. I was rewarded for hanging my testicles out on the line and at the end of the day there, i still have them both in tact albeit a few little warts picked up from schoolies a few years back."

In a FDICC first, the Savs were used as guines pigs in the contreversial new decision to have a square leg umpire, as well as the main chair umpire, with often painful breaks between overs for Auditing of scores. The Savs at time felt that this new trial slowed down the pace of the game and allowed for to much time for players to get there breath back. It is also believed that many of the Indian and Sri Lankian teams at the FDICC are very angry at this new decision as it makes it far too hard for the main chair umpire to be paid off.

Hollywood and Sneaky will reignite the FDICC tomorrow night on there return to Sydney. Two games in 5 days for the Savs but its all part of being in a proffessional indoor cricket team.
Hollywood has also announced that this is his final swansong this season as he is retiring and moving to the Gold Coast with his family. It is believed that he is to take up a position with the elite indoor cricket academy for those with dissabilites in the new year.

Reebs to quit?

Reebs the energizer bunny of the Savs has failed to deny rumours of his possible retirement.

When reporters broached the subject at last nights Aria awards where Reebs was being awarded for best video for his rendition of "Hollywood", Reebs said "Im not saying anything about my cricketing career at this stage, Im here to receive my award and enjoy the night. I will say there comes a time when you fall in love and your whole world turns upside down".

The 30yo all rounder is currently enjoying his best year with the Savs, impressing with both the bat and ball although team mates are still concerned that his heart just isnt in it anymore. "He turns up in these shorts, there a bit hard to describe", Sleepy said. "It was my first game back, I was late, everyone thought I had been asleep, but I had looked at Reeb's shorts and couldnt focus on anything for the rest of the game".

Reuters

Arjuna realises Al Qaeda his best chance of Savs recall

After learning of an Al Qaeda plot to kill the Battered Savs cricket team during last year's Ashes series, many former and fringe Test players have come forward to offer their willingness to step in if something untoward were to happen. Former Savs captain Arjuna said he would have been willing to play if the selectors' first-choice team had been murdered. "If the Savs dont field a team, then the terrorists win," he said.

Tucan tells of Five Dock bender

Cricinfo staff
October 28, 2006

Tucan argued with senior team staff to let him play in the evening he turned up drunk before the Sav’s Quarter final in 2005 loss to the Charlie’s. And he has also spoken about how close he came to a fight with a South African rugby player less than a year later that could have cost him his international career.

In his upcoming book 2 Can : Going for Broke, Tucan recalls the sketchy details of his pub crawl through Five Dock that led to a two-game suspension, which included Sav’defeat to the Charlies. "Ah, it's only The Charlie’s," he wrote, "a little bit of fizz won't be a worry."

Tucan returned to the hotel after sunrise, settling down to breakfast as some of his team-mates were coming down to eat, and after going to his room was woken up only when Reebs put him in the shower.

Having made it to the ground on the team bus, Tucan raised the suspicions of Arjuna and Long John Bishop after he had slipped off a wheelie bin while doing his stretches.

"You're drunk. You're not playing today," Long John said after Arjuna had made the first enquiry. "No, I'm right to go," Tucan replied. "I'm playing." Long John told Tucan to "sort yourself out" and excuses such as an injury or flu were being considered to explain his absence. "As it started to sink in that I was gone I fired up," he said. "If you're going to drop me, then you better tell them why or I will."

The story emerged during the game and Tucan faced an internal disciplinary committee after the match. "The team meeting went for ages and, as a group, the disappointment they felt in my actions meant this wasn't going to blow over with a slap on the wrist and a "naughty boy Tucan" speech," he said. "They might have been my mates, but they were united in their fury of my actions.

"Looking back, my embarrassment and regret are stronger than ever. I said afterwards that I felt as if my guts had been ripped out because I'd let down some of my closest mates, my family and, let's face it, the whole country. That hasn't changed." Tucan ruled himself out of contention for the Kenny Whiskidrinker Medal as a result of the incident.

Tucan’s' behaviour was being questioned again in South Africa in March when there were rumours he was involved in a heated argument with Graeme Smith in a Cape Town nightclub. However, Tucan said it was not Smith but a Cheetahs Super 14 rugby player who he asked to "take it outside".

"I was on my way out of the VIP area when Kel zoomed in to steer me away and calm things down," he said. "Big Ollie [the prop Ollie le Roux] did his bit to keep everyone happy too." Tucan left the club once the "red mist had faded". "I owe Kel big time. Looking back, I realise now I was headed for the sort of strife that could have brought a swift end to my tour and possibly my international career. It was a sobering reminder that old-school ways where two men sort out their difference one-on-one are long gone

The Sav's Turn it Around

Last night saw the Sav's register there first win of the season and take them into the top 2 spots of the competitive season.

The night started off on shaky ground, with Sneaky not waking up from his beauty sleep until 8pm and the team looking at playing a man down again. Fortunately enough embattled Captain Slick won the toss again and elected the Sav's to have a bat whilst Sneaky rushed over from his love pad in Burwood.

Slick took a punt and sent Kel and Reebs out to get the Sav's off to a good start. Unfortunately it wasn't the boys night as they made the scoreboard go up and down like a yo-yo. The boys put their low total down to the lake of pace on the bowl and finding it hard to work into the net. Kel and Reebs finished the skin with 14 runs on the board and Sav's were left a little nervous.

The second pair saw the mighty pairing of Ocki and Tucan stroll to the crease. The was a sense of excitement in the crowd as they moved onto the hollowed turf of the FDICC needing to get the Sav's out of trouble. Knowing he need to perform for the Sav's, Ocki took to the bowlers like a Lion to a lamb. He was relentless and cunning. He smashed a number of sixes and worked the ball everywhere. Tucan played a strong supporting role and coming up with the big plays when needed. At one point the pairing was looking at cracking the 70 mark, but unfortunately a wicket in the last saw them finish on 60 runs and Ocki smashing a massive 44 runs.

After a week of controversy and conducting media interviews after his team selection for this weeks game, Slick walked out to the crease with new recruit Macca wanting to build on the solid start. The boys played a very solid skin with no outs till the last over and the boys working the nets very well. Macca yet again put on a great performance with 28 runs in the bag and the boys finishing with 40 on the board.

With the Sav's now sitting on 100+ and a skin to go, out came the flamboyant pair of Hollywood and Sneaky. After removing his hand from his butt, Sneaky was hitting the ball like Mark Waugh with some graceful drives into the net. Hollywood was playing like normal by smashing some sixes into the crowd and also getting out a couple of times in poor fashion.

The mighty Sav's finished with 137 on the board and it's highest total of the year.

The job wasn't over and the Sav's weren't home yet. They needed to put in a strong performance in the field to secure the win.

Unfortunately the Sav's didn't get off to a great start, whilst there was some talk in the field, the boys were unable to get that one wicket to really lift the team. There were some close calls and half chances but the first pair ended up with 40 runs on the board and the Sav's needing to dig deep.

The second skin saw the Sav's improve a little with a wicket or two and restricting the pairing to 22 runs.

With the Sav's just in the lead at the half way mark the Captain rallied his troops and asked for more commitment and tighter bowling. The Sav's bowling power of Reebs, Macca, Sneaky and Kel then turned on a show. Wickets were falling from the heavens and the batters thoughts it was Christmas as the board continued to flash all night long!!!

The Sav's finished the game off well and completed a strong turn around from the last couple of performances with a solid 38 run win.

"Look, it's a great feeling to have the first win under the belt. They team battered well and the bowling was tight in a number of skins" Slick stated to the mass media out the front of the FDICC.

" To all the critics out there, look at the score board and the ladder, we're up the top now, so they can't complain about that!" He said after there were questions about the selection of the team.

There is still improvement left in the team and the Sav's look to make it back to back wins on Tuesday night and take top spot on the ladder.

Next weeks game will be a true test for the Sav's in how the play and make a name for themselves in the comp.

Is this the team to take the title?

If you were standing outside last night at about 8.30pm you would have felt a gust of wind like a warm breath on your groin. That was the collective sigh of cricketers around the world as playboy bunnies the Savs recorded their first win of the summer.

"You could see their confidence coming like a fat lady walking up a hill, slowly but surely", Local crack addict and FDICC umpire Billy "The Rapist" Hoile said. "Ive been saving some choice product for just such an occasion and the girls at the FDC better watch out, looks like I picked the wrong week to give up amphetamines".

The Savs did get off to a shaky start with an experiment of elevating two middle order batsmen to openers failed against the front line bowlers, but this was soon turned around when local mirror maker Tucan teamed once again with Ocky to re-form one of the best batting partnerships the FDICC has witnessed over the last 10 years.

From there the Savs ground away at their opposition until they capitulated and the Savs cruised to what was a tough game made to look easy.

The season debuts of Hollywood, Sneaky & Ocky seemed to be the zing missing from the sauce for the Savs this year and the night was highlighted by much bottom pinching and mincing, evidence of the confidence in the Savs camp.

Whether it is to late in the season to turn things around remains to be seen but it was a timely warning for the opposition teams, the Savs are not a spent force.

Full match report to follow.

In related news the team crushed by the Savs must think they broke a mirror as they inadvertently wandered into the FDC, Savs territory. After the necessary pleasantries the whole team was soundly crushed for the second time that night as they were drunk under the table by a mere 4 of the Savs players.

Full match report to follow.

Captain Slick has dropped former captain Arjuna for the game against D Grade.

Arjuna, 34, was axed from the one-day team in October after a row with coach/captain and self appointed chairman of selectors Slick.

Chairman of selectors Slick said the omission did not signal the end of Arjuna's career.
Slick said: "It's too early to say but the doors are definitely not closed on him."

Sneaky has been recalled, while fellow batsman Hollywood is back after a broken Nail accident.

Slick said the selectors had decided to leave out Arjuna - the Sav’s most successful captain – because he was unlikely to make the starting VIII.

"We have been wanting to give other middle-order batsmen like Hollywood and Alex more chances and Arjuna can't be in the reserves," he explained.

"Our middle order is very strong. We have some concerns only with the opening slot."

Left-hander Arjuna has scored 5,150 runs at an average of 40.87 and led the Sav’s to numerous victories in five years as captain, however the crown of the championship always eluded him

Arjuna's retirement 'shook' Hollywood

Wednesday Oct 25 12:18 AEST

Despite being shaken by the retirement of Arjuna Hollywood and American actor Johnny Knoxville say they will continue there daredevil pranks. Knoxville is in Australia to promote the release of Jackass Number Two, featuring Hollywood and his mates taking on challenges including wrestling anaconda snakes and swimming with sharks. In one scene Hollywood is blindfolded and rammed by a horned yak, a skit inspired by a Tom and Jerry cartoon.

"When Arjuna passed into retirement, that really shook us," Knoxville told AAP of Arjuna, who retired from international cricket after being stabbed in the back by a selection barb from Slick or as Arjuna calls him the stingray. "IT really did saddened us, but it didn't make us stop and rethink what we do because we know what we do and we know how it can end."
That said, Knoxville along with new dad Haollywood admit that what they do is dangerous. "I put myself in situations and you gotta think that's got to catch up after a while," said Hollywood star of well known films as The Pearl Necklace, The message man and The Crying Game. Not surprisingly, Knoxville injured himself several times during production on the Jackass sequel. He tore a shoulder ligament and says he nearly died in an explosion when Hollywood fired off his giant rocket into a lake. "This movie I almost just bypassed the emergency room and went to the morgue a couple of times," he said semi-seriously, Hollywood laughed as well and stated, "Look it all worked out ... other than those things, He made out pretty well."In fact Hollywood himself along with Knoxville sustained heavy bruising when shot by a riot control machine with thousands of hard rubber balls hitting them at close range. In another scene, Hollywood falls off a bike and lands on his face." People like train wrecks," said Hollywood.
"You don't want them to injure themselves, but you don't mind them being a little hurt."
Knoxville has a 10-year-old daughter, Madison, who he has nicknamed "Chickenbutt".
But being a father isn't enough to halt his big screen antics.
"What about firemen and policemen?" said Hollywood, "I always wanted to be one !""They have families, but that is what they do and that is unfortunately what we do. It is all I can do except I wish I could do what Arjuna's monkey's can do" While some may find the Jackass pranks off-putting, both the original and the sequel have been massive hits in the United States.
Jackass Number Two opens in Australia on November 9.
©AAP 2006

Reactions to Arjuna’s demise

Below is the reaction to Arjuna’s retirement as they filtering in from around the world

Slick: “F@#$ Him”

Dabs: “Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha”

Harirbear “What come around goes around, it’s ironic I was dropped for people like Slick, now Slick has dropped Arjuna, now that is what I call karma”

Ockie “Was he still in the team?”

Apoo “Golly Gosh”

Reebs “So, should we go to the pub?”

George W Bush “The Battered Savs can now live in peace as the tyranny of Arjuna’s rule has come to an end”

John Howard “I agree with my President”

Arjuna Retires from the Savs

By: Peter Roebuck

Former captain and most improved player for the Battered Sav’s in the 06/07 season has decided to retire from the game following his controversial omission from Thursdays game. His retirement will be effective immediately. Arjuna intends on leaving the game after an illustrious career of 8 years to raise sheep and try his luck in politics.

“The current captain, Slick, has lost his mind in his team selection for this game. In correspondence dated the 24th of October 2006 he stated that team selection was based on the statistical information available.” Arjuna continued the diatribe with “if this was his method of team selection then I should have been included. It is more to do with current captains whites only policy and nothing else!”

Considering the inclusion of Sneaky and Hollywood after prolonged absences Arjuna has questioned Slicks Choices. It appears that Sneaky is just repaying his gratitude to Hollywood for introducing him to the Savs.

Arjuna liked to reminded Slick that ring-ins were brought in on a contractual game by game basis and the likes of the ring-ins for the 06/07 season were only to meet shortages of player for the later games. Giving them permanence has meant penalising long standing players like himself, Dabber and Tempter.

According to sources close to Arjuna, the sentiment is that Slicks “constant beating the drum” to get the team motivated has been nothing but blowing smoke up his own cricket whites, his motivational talks have been nothing but a failure. “Kenny Whiskey Drinker would have done a better job half drunk” Arjuna said.

Arjuna’s parting words to Slick were that he should not forget the whole basis of the battered Sav’s is to catch up with mates, to have a hit a laugh, a win was a bonus not the other way round.!

IN BREAKING NEWS.......
"Arjuna has just signed himself into a celebrity re-hab clinic to assist overcoming the grief of his unexpected removal from his beloved Battered Savs. (His 60 pipes a day of crystal meth is NOT the reason). He plans on teaching his room mate in the clinic, an unknown by the name of Urban the pleasure of eating sheep whole. As he was wheeled away by the men in white Arjuna could be heard screaming "I still love 'em, I still love 'em". His agent later confirmed that Arjuna wished the Battered Savs well for the coming season (and who believes in voodoo anyway?) with or without the motivational speeches by Slick.

Arjuna finds his calling

NINEMSN Tuesday 24th October - Dumped cricket captain and former player with the Battered Savs cricket team, Arjuna the 'kingmaker' has found solace in his new profession. Arjuna has shown the world his little pet and insiders have dubbed the little creature a true master.He is teaching monkeys to do what he has always wished secretly that he could do. When asked for a quote, team IDOL Hollywood said, "WOW imagine teaching a monkey to do that". Word has it that Arjuna secretly plans to teach his former team mates a thing or two.


"Ahh, if only I could" - Arjuna

Arjuna sacked - Fitness concerns

PPS 23:17 - Breaking news has revealed large cracks starting to appear in the Sav's family. The largest of all seems to be a developing rift between the newly appointed Captain Slick, and the one time 'crackster' himself Arjuna. Sav insiders have revealed that Arjuna has been sacked due to concerns over his fitness, most recently he was seen in a club cricket match with a few extra pounds - what a picture he is! Slick has refused to comment although it is pretty clear that he is unhappy that Arjuna has been out eating whole sheep instead of following the rest of the team on the Hollywood Beach diet. Leading commentator and one time mentor of Arjuna, Ionceadalargecrac, voiced his dissapointment that selection has come down to a weight issue and has vowed to get out the whip to once again get Arjuna into to top shape.

Desperate time for the Savs?

With things getting so desperate at the savs that even Hollywood had to be recalled it is believed that Slick is in discussions with the Vatican to offer a short 4 week "Prestige player" contract similar to the A League to the Pope himself. It is believed that the pope has a mean 'cover drive' and also has mastered the art of the doosra.

The Vatcian believes that this push would also help with a more 'youthful appeal' with the impending youth day to be held at Randwick racecourse in 2007. It is also believed that the vatican has approached trainer Gai Waterhouse to prepare a few 'fillies' for the day

Tough new training announced

Battered Savs embattled Captain SLick, has announced tough new measures for anyone that does not play well this week at the FDICC. These measures (see photo) will be carried out promtly after the match in the adjoining FDICC car park.

Only 2 more sleeps....

Only two more sleeps.... then

Hollywood returns to the hallowed ground of the FDICC. After months of recovering from a splintered finger nail, hollywood is set to return the FDICC a buzz with his much anticipated return. The leading run scorer in 2005-6, hollywood has earnt a reputation amongst oppositions as being a tough bloke to knock over. There are concerns that the extent of his layoff may harm his from that he finsihed in at the end of last season. Savs statistian, Reebs was excited at the prospect of actually being able to incorporate positive scores into his elaborate powerpoint presentaions qith the return of Hollywood.

In other news... The back page of the daily telegraph has begun to speculate over the two men with teams in Sydney that are on losing streaks. Terry Butcher from Sydney FC and Slick new Captain/Manager of the Savs are both under the microscope with another loss potentilly ending both there jobs.

Arjuna and Apoo fly in big gun for inspiration

After 5 loses on the trot, the battered savs have flown in George W. Bush to give them a pep talk before the season opener on thursday night. American presidents, not typically familiar with the game of cricket, have never had to be called upon for such duties. In a statement released by Bush "I love the game. How hard can it be to hit a ball with a bat? I love batting"

Bush also agreed to the PR gig to help his popularity with the cricket mad sub continent. It is believed that almost 1.5 billion Indian, Sri Lankian and Pakistani cricket supporters tune into foxtel each week to view the big games at the FDICC. Ex Captain Arjuna sees this move as chance for the savs to be inspired by a truly great man while also hosing down tensions in the region.

In the photo Bush is seen to be showing the young savs a few tips on effective ball tampering and also showing them how not to 'chuck' a cricket ball. Bush so abely demonstrated with the correct 'bent arm' style. It is also believed that Bush has challenged Bin Laden to a game of twenty twenty cricket for the disputed state of Kashmir and an end to the tensions across the world.

Arjuna and Apoo have thanked the president for all of his input and also disussed the possibility of 'throwing the game' for some financial gain and a couple of 7 eleven franchises.

The Sav's Idol

In breaking news, Sav's pin up boy Hollywood has offically declared he will be running in the next Australian Idol contest.

" I feel I have the talent to go all the way in the contest and believe the Australian public will love me for my looks, my guitar and hair style..." Hollywood stated at a press re-lease this morning.

Hollywood has written songs such as "The sexy Sav", " I'm beutiful" and recently has done a cover of "I'm to sexy" which all have been massive hits with his family.

Hollywood also stated that he will be quitting the Sav's at the end of the season to focus more on his musical career and prepare for next years idol contest.

Savs make little children cry

Supporters of the one time playboys and now embattled cricket team The Battered Savs are leaving faster than worms from a burning dogs butt with the latest example occuring just hours after their fifth straight defeat.

Never a team to shirk their public duties, team captain Slack learnt of the disappointment of sick kids in the childrens ward of Five Dock Memorial Hospital when they were told their annual mid year party was to be hosted by Darren Hynch (yet again). One child was quoted as saying "Darren is the best cure available, Id rather fake healthiness than see his stand up routine again". Slack immediately volunteered the team to take Darrens place noting the Savs particular expertise in the field of mime, something theyve been practicing at 9.30 Thursday nights for the last 5 weeks.

Savs spin doctor Sammy B turned up in person to bring the good news to the children offering the Savs as an alternative to Darren Hynch and was greeted with comments like "who", "no, no, not them" and some smaller children started crying. One child said "Darrens beard doesnt really scratch that much and he does a pretty good Seinfeld".
Ruuters

Oh So Close

Last night saw the Sav's play their last grading game before the true season starts next week.

Having only 7 players again, the Sav's knew they were up for a challenge against the 3rd Grade team packed with a team that would make the cheat Shoab proud.

New member to the team Cambo, mentioned to the boys prior to the game that these boys were so far up them seleves that is they had a beard they would be tickling their throats....

Knowing the team needed a good performace in this game, the night got off to a good start with Slick winning the toss and electing to have a bat.

Reebs and Macca (Alex) had the first skin and Reebs managed to score 12 runs off the first over without evening hitting the ball. The opposition were starting to get very frustrated with each other and Reebs continued to laugh at them. Things were going well with Macca and reebs compling a solid total of 42 for the first skin.

The second skin was the worst skin of the night, NSW Rep Cambo and under pressure Slick came out and wanted to build on a solid start. Unfortunately things went horribly wrong and they were -17 after the first over. The boys however worked their way back and got to 11 runs, but unfortunately a freak catch on the last ball left them at 6 runs.

The next skin saw Big Kel and new boy to the team Matty come out and try to get the Sav's out of trouble. The boys started off slowly and getting the eye in but with two overs to go all hell was aleashed. The boys smashed everything including 7 sixes (Unfortunately 2 were run outs) and a couple of fours. The boys ended up with 50 runs on the board.

With a player down and the opposition chose Slick to bat again, it was up to Arjuna and the Captain to get the Sav's into a strong position. Unfortunately the first over was a disater with the boys managing to get 1 run off it. Slick was getting frustrated, but a kind word from Reebs behind the net changed his mentality. The next over saw 20 runs scored off it and at the end of the skin the boys left with 34 on the board and a total of 132 to defend.

The sprits were high in the team coming out to the field. Unfortunately the team had to field with 6 players at points in the game as Cambo need to serve behind the bar and the first skin saw 50 runs scored off it. During the course of the skin the two capatins almost got into a biff. The Sav's Captatin was going for the ball and the other capatin (who was batting) ran into him, Slick in his right, pushed the guy out of the way to prevent a major collision. The batter then proceeded to state " If you do that again I'll clock you one!" Slick standing his ground replied " Mate have a go, because I'll clock you back harder then you expect, so shut up!"

The next two skins saw some great catches taken by Reebs, Matty x 2 and run outs by Cambo and Slick. Things looked good with a couple of overs to go.

With 20 runs to hold off in the last pair, unfortunately being the one man down hurt the Sav's again. and the ended up lossing by 20 runs.

" I was proud of the boys tonight. We were so close to winning this tonight against a 3rd grade team and a man down. We are finally starting to turn thigns around. The boys are more upbeat and know a win is only around the corner" Slick stated to the media after the game.

The Sav's have their first 8pm game next week and remours have it that selectors will put their full strength team on the park for the first time this year looking for a win.

Time will tell next week if the Sav's can turn around the season and get off to a winning start.

SAV SO BATTERED - HE NEEDED AN INTERPRETER

By Lion Nathan.

Top Battered Sav all rounder "Kel" has been snapped proposing a toast at a recent unofficial event that apparently only hardened drinkers could understand.

So it was no surprise then who offered to step up to the podium to attempt to decipher what the big man was saying. (If you click on the photo you'll get a better idea). Yes, who else but Arjuna! "I'd put a few away myself, but I could see some people in the crowd looking a little confused as to what big Kel was trying to get across. I could clearly understand him, so I thought I'd jump up and help him out" stated Arjuna.
Kel's speech was sadly frequently interrupted by Arjuna constantly digging him in the ribs and saying things like " c'mon Kel, lets do a song!". Kel appeared to try to and ignore the ex-captain, but the onslaught grew...." c'mon ya bastard, sing a song with me!!" Arjuna's persistence finally paid off with Kel conceding " ok, but just one" Arjuna then carefully chose the hugely popular Lionel Ritchie song "All Night Long". The crowd roared with laughter as they sang and danced through the song, with one of the locals (who could barely scratch himself) saying it was a definate "touchdown"! The two also didn't even have to look at the screen for the words as they effortlessly sang even the "hey jumbo, jumbo" bit.
Eyewitnesses throughout the neighbourhood apparently rang the CSIRO as every dog within 2 km of the Club went frantic.

Tucans a candidate for captain?

by Marty Moorstalk
Sports Editorial
Five Dock Daily
There has been a lot of talk about the captaincy of the Savs this year due to their poor on field performances and the contraversy that traditionally surrounds the team off the field. But amidst this talk there has not been a mention of onfield big man Tucan having his hat thrown into the ring and being a contender for the top job. But this may all be about to change.
Traditionally the big guy has let his performance do the talking imposing his dominance by whizzing his balls across the faces of the opposition, wielding his bat or consuming a vat, but his ability to lead and organise has not been witnessed. The weekend just gone has changed all this and may change the face of the Savs for the rest of 06. Following is an excerpt from the big batters invitation to his 30th birthday just past:

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all your replies and I am glad all of you can come this Saturday to celebrate my 30th with me. Please read ALL the following to ensure your entry into the Bowling club.

Tucans 30th Birthday Party at The bowling club
Sat, 14 Oct
9pm Champagne Reception
10pm Photo Shoots
10:30pm Blowing Candles
Mid-night Pangaea, Mayfair

I have arranged the bowling club to host a Champagne Reception with a selection of bowling club Champagne for all my guests, this will be on me so please come and indulge.

A specially made birthday cake has also been ordered and the bowling club waiters will kindly serve you each a generous slice with bowling club cutleries, etc... also on me.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR ENTRY:

* When you arrive, take the bowling club entry on the opposite side of the Balmain Road
* When asked "how can I help you Sir/Madame?", you reply "I am here for Tucans Birthday Party at the bowling club"

* You will be escorted to the bowling area next to the bowling club, where you will hopefully see a gorgeous group of ladies.

If you experience any issues getting in or getting to the bowling club, please call my mobile on 555 consume and my PA Ms Gillfinker will kindly deal with your queries between 8:30pm to 10pm.

STRICT DRESS CODE:

Gentlemen: Jacket, shirt, and please also bring a tie (no jeans, trainers, flip-flops, polo-shirts)
Ladies: skirt/top, cocktail dress (no denim, min-skirts, flip-flips, bad tastes)
Advice 1: It goes without saying that the more upper-class you dress, the less likely you shall be denied entry.
Advice 2: Photos will be taken between 10pm to 10:30pm, and these will be distributed once processed, therefore you may want to be well-groomed! ;)

Finally...
I will be accepting cards and small gifts between 9pm to 11pm

I very much look forward to seeing you all at the bowling club this Friday.

ARRIVAL TIMES: [Please stick to these as best as you can, thank you]
9:00pm: Sam, Slick, Lucy, Sophie Sandner, Kajai, Mandeep, Preet, Sanami, Su, Lisa, Kate.
9:15pm: Reebs, Hollywood, Phoebe, Sophie Seugnet, Theo, Dmitry, Ed, Nikolay, Paul, Nick, Harry.
9:30pm: Kel, Sneaky, Marco, Andrea, Jess, Ovi, Yuki, Olga, Kim, Marcelo, Ulyana, Krystal, Dan.
9:45pm: Arjuna, Sunita, Alan, JingJing, Emma.
10:00pm: Anthony, Rachel, Roger, Uli, Yogi, Gharzi

Tucans

Ends

Once this document was leaked to the public it caused a frenzy of conjecture as to the possibility of Tucans being the next onfield general of the Savs, if that doesnt occur he will make a great PA.

Sav's Plea For Help Arrives

By HG Nelson

Ivan Ivanov, the world famous Greco Roman Wrestling coach has come to the rescue of the embattled Battered Savs Indoor Cricket Team.
The team has just been through rigorous inspections and testing by the great man from Bulgaria, with the coach of champs leaving no stone unturned. He is determined to take this 'battered' ship from the brink to a championship winning, thriving indoor cricket team.
As a man of few words, we managed to get this from him, "First thing we do, we like to have look at 'Flute' to make sure it not unbalancing the man." With years of experience, the big man makes light work of even the most challenging re-arrangements of the meat and two veg. The photo above shows just how hands on he has been with players (shown here with D Banananana man). Eager to learn and change, and move away from being winless after many rounds, the Sav's have really taken to this new form of coaching, Hollywood explains "I'd be running into bowl, and I'd feel this huge weight pulling me down on one side. It was only after Ivan explained and demonstrated did I realise I was cutting the lunch the wrong way. I used to dress right, now I just flat bag."
The Sav's are rumoured to be willing to try "anything" to win. This apparently includes switching from full strength to light beer before and after games.

Hollywood charged by ICCC over his comments

Sydney, NSW (AP) – Savs leg-spinner and "how good am I" Hollywood has been charged with breaking the Indoor Cricket Council's code of conduct after making controversial remarks about former Savs captain Arjuna in the Sydney Morning Herald.

ICCC chief executive Kenny Whiskydrinker said the matter would be dealt with by a tournament referee at a hearing Saturday in Five Dock, the Australian Associated Press reported.

Kenny said he reviewed Hollywood's column, which appeared in Thursday'’s Sydney Morning Herald -- the same day the Sav’s lost to Lion plumbers in the Summer tournament at the FDICC -- and lodged a complaint alleging the eager wanna be full time Savs captain had breached the ICCC code of conduct.

Hollywood faces a possible fine for his attack on Arjuna, writing that Indoor cricket would be better off without the him.

"Frankly, The Sav’s -- and the game overall -- would be better off without him," Hollywood wrote in The Sydney Morning Heralds.

"I don't like him," he added.

Under ICCC rules, Hollywood faces a fine or possible suspension for making a "public pronouncement or media comment which is detrimental to the game in general."

Hollywood also claimed the 34-year-old Savs batsman and former captain had, on occasions, failed to lead his team in the true spirit of the game by threatening not allow some of the team members to play whilst under the influence following pre game meetings at the FDH.

An ICCC statement was expected later Saturday.

Capatin Under Pressure

Current Capatin of the Sav's is under increasing pressure to step down as capatin after another loss to the Sav's Last night.

"I'm guttered at the moment" Slick said to the large media crowd that waited for him out side the FDICC last night.

" We should have won that match last night, but our back end Skins in bowling and batting didn't help us. We started off well, but let is get away again"

The Sav's haven't put a consistant team on the field in the last four games and 3 of them have been played with only 7 people.

Slick is rumoured to be thinking about his position in capatain the team, but still feels confident in turning things around.

"Things are slowly improving in the team. To be competative we need to have a more consistant team so we can Gel and play with a full 8"

Speculation has been floating in Cricket circles that outspoken player Hollywood is wanting to take the leadership on when he returns from his Tanning trip to Thailand this week.

Hollywood hasn't played a game this season as his chipped finger nail that was sustained during the rugby season has healed and he is worried about sustaining another injury.

Savs to lose sponsor?

From the Five Dock Daily Herald 13 Oct 06
by Marty Goldsphrinkle

Beleaguered Five Dock National cricket team the Battered Savs could lose their lucrative sponsorship with alcohol manufacturer the Five Dock Coservatorium of beer because of their extremely poor start to the 06 season. This follows from their competitive but unsuccessful campaigns from 1973 to 2005.

To date Savs representatives have been unavailable for comment although three players were reportedly seen hugging and kissing the feet of FDC management in the early hours following their most recent loss. The Savs are already at risk of losing their lucrative endorsement deals over their recent salary cap breaches.

A spokeswoman for the FDC said: "The Savs are our marque sponsored team for whom we produce licensed products and hence any issues around a perceived lack of performance due to our product goes to the heart of the reputation of the FDC brand."

Hollywood: no respect for Arjuna

From Ben Durries in Five Dock
October 13, 2006
THE feud between Hollywood and Arjuna deepened last night when Hollywood said he had no respect for the former Battered Savs captain.
In an interview with a Five Dock newspaper this week, Arjuna accused Hollywood of undermining team spirit and claimed he would have been an "embarrassment" if the champion player had been made Battered Savs captain.
Hollywood replied last night by claiming Arjuna was a former player who curried little currency.
"I was disappointed with his comments but I didn't take them to heart because he's not someone I respect," he said.
"If it was someone I respected and really liked, I would be pretty annoyed and would take it up with them.
"If it was a Tucan or a Dabs, who has been the biggest influence on my career, I would be on the phone and disappointed and upset by it."
Arjuna was also critical of Hollywood's reservations about the pre-gam drinking camp organised by team coach Slick, with Arjuna claiming Hollywood had "shown a complete disregard for the position that Slick has held".
Hollywood had to disrupt a season of 8th grade Rugby to return for the camp, but once home he completed the drinking with vigour.
While Slick and Hollywood are two completely different characters, Hollywood said his reported comments last month about Slick had been misconstrued.
"It was never a personal attack on Slick," he said.
"All I said was some of his methods and some of the ways he goes about things I thought lacked a bit of commonsense -- not him as a person.
"It was never with malice or an intent of having a go at the coach.
"What is said in the press beforehand is really irrelevant, unless it's from someone who you respect and is on the mark.
"All we are are worried about is making sure we are ready to play. That's what I am worrying about."

Captain in Trouble

Battered Sav's new Capatin has recently been placed under a large amount of pressure from media and players in relation to the teams poor start to the season.

Sources close to the troubled Captain have said he is dealing with the pressure well.

"He has had a lot to deal with in recent weeks" Ricky Ponting said to FOX Sports this afternoon.

The Captain has yet again struggled with putting a full strength side on the park for this weeks fixture as a number of players have had to withdraw from selection.

Slick's manager released a statement this afternoon stating; " Slick is not worried about the critics of the Sav's poor performance, they have come close to winning in the last two games, but being a man down and also playing 1st & 2nd Grade teams has really hurt them."

With the team being a man down again tonight the pressure will yet again be on Slick to get the Sav's first Victory under the belt.

Hollywood would have been an embarrassing captain: Arjuna

October 10, 2006
Former Battered Sav’s cricket great captain Arjuna has launched a scathing attack on Hollywood, accusing the legspinner of undermining team spirit before the summer series.
Arjuna was critical of Hollywood's reservations about the recent pre-season boot camp arranged by Australian new captain Slick.
Hollywood's highly publicised reluctance to take part in the camp came despite him coveting the Batteredsav captaincy.
"I think he's shown a complete disregard for the position that Arjuna has held and his attitude to the camp was very poor for a senior player," Arjuna told Britain's Daily Mail newspaper.
"He'd be living in a fool's world if he thought he should ever be captain of the batteredsavs, because of the way he has behaved.
"He would have been an embarrassment if he had captained the Savs."
Arjuna said if the Sav’s came under pressure in the first few grade games, starting next week, the blame would rest on Hollywood's shoulders, due to him injuring it.
"I think the senior players need to sit him down and say, 'Hollywood, we're a team here; if you've got your thoughts then keep them to yourself because you're not making things any easier.'"
Arjuna also criticised the Sav’s team for being too chummy with their counterparts during last year’s final games.
Again he singled out Hollywood, citing his friendship with the opposing team captains.
"Hollywood's relationship with the opposing teams didn't do the Sav’s any favours," he said.
"I think Hollywood's got to be told, 'Look, by all means have a beer at the FDH with the opponents at the end of the game or in some instances before the game, but once you step out on to the hallowed turf of the FDICC it changes'."
"It's all the off-field stuff that goes with him in terms of sponsorship, texting and media that also brings unnecessary attention to the team."

Savs to star in ad campaign

Despite yet again being unable to cross the final hurdle in 2005 it seems the glitzy playboy team the Battered Savs are as popular as ever. Berlie, makers of the popular AntzPantz range of knickers have announced the Savs players are to star in a range of commercials mimicking their highly successful campaign of the 80's. If you remember the add featured a trail of ants making their way up the legs of various female models only to be eaten by an echidna named Rex. Well Rex is back, but the attractive models arent. Sources say each Sav player will feature in an add, Slick will be first with Rex, then a new Australian iconic animal will feature with each of the iconic Savs. Apparently some of the animals mentioned include a koala who eats gum leaves tucked into the top of the briefs, a tasmanian tiger who eats a trail of bush rats and a blue ringed octupus who eats a trail of plankton.
Reuters