No news on Savs

by Len Banano

Sydney (Rueters) - In a dramatic change from recent times, there is no news is worth reporting about the Battered Savs today. No sources have approached this news agency with leaks from team members, no on or off field antics have caused a stir, no major incidents of importance have taken place.

In other news, three people were found dead in what appears to be a bizaare cooking accident in Penrith in Sydneys outer western suburbs.

Police have confirmed all three died sometime between 2.30am and 7am Sunday morning from severe anal toxmosis caused by cloves of garlic inserted into the rectum.

Police sources have gone on record as saying they do not beleive this is related to last years homosexual vampire slayer deaths.

Arjuna to implement safe work place

After last night’s performance, Captain & Selector Arjuna has decided to implement the B.A.L to .05 in line with work cover OH&S requirements rather than .08 as prescribed by Tu Can....

The reflexes of all involved last night were a bit slower than normal. Some of the explainable causes could be due to the late game, the 50 beers consumed by 5 members of the team prior to the game or was it that some of the other team bowlers were a lot quicker than anticipated or was it a combination of all three! Time will tell.

To prevent recurrence Random breathe tests may be carried out prior to future games. And those found exceeding the limit will be reprimanded and fined their match fee and may be suspended.
The umpires reading must have been more than .08 due to his performance last night. It will be interesting to read the coroner & ICC report in addition to not finding his brain following the police investigation. I recall him remarking once that Kel looked familiar and wanted to know if he knew Kel from Weekend detention at Parramatta Jail.

ICC TO INVESTIGATE UMPIRES DEATH

Breaking news.....The ICC is to investigate the suspicious circumstances into the death of the Umpire from Broken Hill.

It has come to hand that the Umpire was seen talking to a rather shady character at the FDICC car park prior to the game. Some eyewitnesses report the shady character looked a lot like Mukesh Gupta the famous bookmaker from Mumbai who had flown into Sydney for this vital show down.

The ICC will be reviewing tapes, as one has to take into account that there were two deliberate calls of a wide and no ball at crucial moments of the game. The last three balls in particular will be of great interest to us, an ICC official has stated. The game was decided on these deliveries.

Umpire Found Dead

By Dirk Diggler

The body of a man believed to be a cricket umpire for an inner west indoor cricket centre was found early this morning by cleaners outside the complex. It appears the man died as a result of having a massive brain explosion, although witnesses on the scene have found no trace of any brain.
Police identified the body to be that of 6 year old Carny Poodlehead of Broken Hill. Colleagues say he was only 6 but suffered a dreadful virus which made him look 94. Though he still had the thought processes of a 6 year old.
Police also said the man had all the hallmarks of looking as though he had worked in a circus, "he's a bit of a freak alright", said Constable Care, "his head's all out of shape, looks like he's got no ears, and he has miniature hands and feet. The mullet does not do him any favours either. Its either that or he was badly burnt in a fire at some stage".
As to the cause of death, Constable Care said," see it all the time, its caused by a pressure imbalance whereby the vacuous space inside this guys head was just too big a void to stand the pressure. "
Friends have said how each Thursday afternoon he would catch the train from Broken Hill to his indoor cricket centre. "He loved his job, he always wished he'd had more time to study the actual rules of cricket", said a friend.
Due to a complete lack of interest in the man as a person, no funeral will be held. Instead a leading pet food supplier has shown an interest in "value-adding" something special for dogs this Christmas.

ICC THREATEN HOLLYWOOD FOR OUTBURST

Hollywood's recent outburst to the press regarding the Captain/selectors decision not to play him and Dabber for the up and coming important match has landed him in hot water by the ruling authorities.

The ICC has put the selectors on notice regarding this outburst by Hollywood and bringing the Captain, selectors, and the game into disripute. Rumour are circling that the ICC is considering a move similar to that of Stuart Magill or the other famous cricketers Dean Jones & Michael Slater. Time will tell if this is the outcome by the ICC.

The ICC are also investgating bribery allegation against Hollywood for not running between wickets but rather waddling and thorwing his wicket on numerous occasions. Video footage has been summoned by the ICC.

Hollywoods sudden weight loss is also under the microscope.....

Selector speaks out !!

In an effort to alleviate concerns over selection policy, Savs self appointed selector and captain has hit back at suggestions of playing favourites. In a statement to the press he has come out blazing and put the whole team on notice. "I an sik and tried of all the whingeing from Hollywood. He is a punce who should ramember his place" In directly refuting claims regarding his sexual preference, Arjuna outlined "I have a wif, I do nut alow other mens to park their bikes anywhere near my rack" . Arjuna also detailed new selection policy which is sure to have sent shockwaves throughout the Savs family "I well select who I'm wanting to when I'm wanting to for whatever reason I'm wanting to" Again Arjuna singled out Hollywood in tirade that is sure to fireup the next team meeting, "Hollywood is a junior member of the team and I regrat givin hem the opportunity at captaning the side, just who does he think he us ? I would suggest Hollywood to grab a coke and shut the f... up" Media sources said earlier that Hollywood could not be contacted due to messaging issues with his mobile phone.

Hollywood and Dabs Snubbed By Selector

The cricketing community was reeling today at the shock exclusion of Hollywood and Dabs in the must win game on Monday night at the FDICC.
Speaking to reporters today outside the Battered Sav HQ, Hollywood expressed his dismay at the decision by quasi captain and self appoionted selector Arjuna. Hollywood was fuming " the decision is crap!" as he asked "who the hell is this guy Greg?!?" which was also followed by "I hate that poof Arjuna, he's always had something against me, that faggot!."
Dabs has declined to comment, taking a more subtle approach to the situation, by firebombing Arjuna's letterbox.
"Its a tough decision" stated Arjuna, " I have left myself off the team so don't get carried away".

Savs Camp?

By Bert Begler

Sydney (Rueters) - The cricket world is reeling for the second time in as many days as news escapes the Battered Savs "camp" that many of the team may be batting for the other side.

Just hours after the dramatic rescue of the BS's from flaming aeroplane wreckage in the wastelands of the Afghanistan mountains, todays revelation is said to have started from within the embattled team.

It has been a dramatic year for the Savs so far, so many times the brides maids, many in the know were betting the selection policies and encumbent captain, Arjuna, would be scrapped this season for a fresh start, contraversially this has not happened. Speaking at a recent function, ex-Australian batsman david Boon went on record as saying "so many times the Savs have showed promise throughout the season, on and off the pitch, and each time they have let the fans, and more importantly, themselves down. I dont see why this year would be any different. Whats more they couldnt drink themselves out of a wet paper bag". Apart from making no sense, Boon has many supporters. In recent weeks a list of names reading like a veritable whos who of Australian cricket have come out to bag the Savs lack of action. Thompson, lillee, O'Donnell, Gillespie, Walters, Owatabanagastacanads to name but a few are all on record.

This latest revelation could be the making or the breaking of the Savs for this season, and some say the Savs as an entity could self implode. Although the latest rumours of pillow biting are yet to be verified, a recent press release quotes actual members of the Savs squad, all of which have been unavailable for further comment.

One thing is certain, if the supposed brown suitcase packing rumours are true, a chunk of Australia's cricketing heritage could well be no more than skidmarked undies on a bedroom floor.

Alive to play another day

By Adam Entoos

Afghanistan (Rueters) - A search in the Southern mountains of Afghanistan for a crashed aeroplane carrying a group of Australian cricket players has ended on a happy note despite the search attempt having no success.

Two Afghanistani children playing with a two band radio set reported hearing a funny language. Their school teacher who was fluent in English confirmed it was indeed a funny language and identified it to Australian of origin albeit slurred and accompanied with much giggling, burping, and fart jokes. The teacher and his two industrious students were able to ascertain that it was infact the survivors of the recent plane crash, who were, apart from each having severe headaches and nausea, alive and well.

Rescuers were able to track the radio signal and upon arriving at the wreckage, found the industrious and plucky Australians had rigged a transmitter using nothing more than beverage cans, shoe laces and the bails from a set of cricket stumps. Witnesses confirmed that while they waited for rescue, they had also constructed a DIY kidney transplant machine. Experts beleive that the ingenuity of the Australians was the only reason they survived the carnage of the plane wreck and prior to that a five day drinking binge.

This reporter was able to interview the captian of the cricket team (who also captioned the plane) and after asking what they planned to do now, was advised they still planned on not only competing in their cricket game tomorrow night (Thursday night Australian) but armed with this ordeal go on to win the entire competition. I also asked the Captain how he found the time to Captain cricket, manage his portfolio of assets and learn to fly and he responded "learn to fly"?

Savs again

We are now more than halfway through the Sav's season and although they have put on quite a show recently there is no doubt the next week could be fundamental to the eternal question - will the Sav's finally get a trophy. You see, the Sav's have had quite a history, a team so full of promise in many a season yet when the final test has come they just haven't been able to make it.

Sure, there have been good times - who will ever forget the young Sav's that made up Bruces 8. What a season it was as the over achieving young sausages not yet wrapped in batter really put the stick up their opponents at the Bankstown international sports centre. Who will forget the night Dabber lost it ? Who will forget Grouch and Dabbers magnificent partnerships - they carried much less weight back then. Who will forget a young up and coming fast bowler getting through the batsmen and smashing the captains face, glasses and confidence all in one ferocious ball. Who will forget the emergence of Arjuna ? What about the challenges of a past era married vs unmarried, Christian vs non Christian, paster vs pasta oh yes the glory days ! At times such as this one can forget ones roots, we should never forget. The evolution from Brucies to Mikies 8 was a phenomenon, oh how we wanted Bruce back. The team made 3 finals over this period. Then there came Chullora and the emergence of the glasscutter's ahh yes the days of cutting each others grass. There were downtimes as well - who can forget being followed out of the arena by members of the emerging terrorist cells in the general area. It was at this time that many players asked themselves the question - Why are these smelly hot tempered and violent morons playing our game - the peoples game - it's a game not a war, wanker ! The theme became, 'Who let the dogs out' became famous for surely the playing arena had been overrun.

Then the move to Five Dock occurred and again finals were made and lost. Who could forget the star performances of sneeky before a terrible run of luck, the prowess of Speechly in the field or Hairbears pink bat ! Who could forget the night we brought an American Indian into the team, warning him to wear a protector. Who could forget the appearance of the 12th man? Who could forget the heartbreak and again failing to take the prize..............

The question is however, does this current group have what it takes ? Will the Sav's finally fulfil the potential ? Will the hero's of the past be able to provide one final push or will the new crop of potential champions carry the Sav, and present a pork sausage worth putting on a stick and wrapping in batter ?

Who knows for sure, it is true however that the next week or so will tell a story. The Sav's warm up against a lowly placed team tonight but then face their biggest challenge on monday night against the competition leaders.

HISTORY is waiting, some of us read it, some of us talk about it, some of us watch it, some of us are just a part of it - WILL THE SAV'S MAKE IT!

Battered Sav's plane crashes

A plane carrying all team members of the popular indoor cricket "Battered Savs" has crashed in a mountainous region of north Afghanistan. Details are still coming to hand. Casualties unknown at this stage, although a witness has said there were signs of survivors. This raises concerns over whether the Savs will be back in Sydney for tomorrow nights big match. A relative of one of the Savs responded to media questions today asking "what the hell were they doing over there anyway?" The area is known as a popular destination for large women with large appetites for battered sausages. Another eyewitness reported seeing hundreds of green cans with vb markings on them pour out a cabin door open after the plane came to a stop.
Another concerned family member of the Savs added "its been bloody quiet on the blog too, I thought something was wrong"
More details as they become available

SAVOTORIANS VERY QUIET TODAY

Fellow Savotorians

Must be exhausted after yesterdays antics...sounds familiar that word, I believe Mr Bishop (Aka Mr Garrison) and the Dapper and Grouch used to run a company called A Antics I believe.

Anway hope to see all you Savotorians on Thursday. The game is at 9.30pm at the FDICC.

Arjuna will be there to ensure the team walks on the field unlike the other Arjuna most of you are aware of who helped the team nearly walk off the field... Are other favourite Hollywood will also be there are only no show is Con the fruit man the other regualrs Kel, Reebs, Dabber,Roebuck, Fotress only person to confirm is The tempter....

I thought I could add a few pics of Stand in Captain Hollywood but it was to time consuming, perhaps some other time.

Enough about the name!

Its quite clear everyone has a good idea what a battered sav is now... So is it possible we can get on with playing the game? I've had enough of everyones romantic interludes and reminiscing about a sausage dipped in batter and deep fried like " I remember you could get a good 'ol battered sav for 2 bob at the Easter show".... please! No more war stories!

Ode to the Battered Savs...

...from an admirer...we dont know who...but whoever you are...you have tugged at our heart and ham strings.

This ode was sent to us from an anonymous admirer (probably female, 24 or 25 years old, blonde, not a scerrick of hail damage), probably after the big charity fund raising event at the Australian Centre for Continuing Research into Strange Diseases Contracted From Eating To Much Pig By-products (ACCRSDCFETMPBP) where we played cricket for 7 weeks straight (tip-and-run) and received cash from big sponsors for every wicket taken, run scored, and beer drunk. A huge sum (before expenses) was raised and we sincerely thank those who made it possible (i.e. us).

Ode to the Battered Savs

Have you eaten out at a take-away?
Whether it be fish or chips that you have;
And have you ever spared a thought...
For that poor old ... battered sav.

Now battered women you'll read about,
And battered children as well;
But no-one speaks of the battered sav
And its life of torment and hell

This tale it is a simple one,
It's not that hard to foller;
I was lined up for my fish and chips,
And saw the sign "Battered Savs... one dollar."

The place was really busy that night,
In fact, it was fillet to the bream;
My old mate Trev Alley was in the line
And I was just ahead of him.

Now battering savs just wasn't on,
The idea just left me aghast;
So I had a chat to the lass who was serving
... Marie ... an old friend from my past.

"Why do you batter your savs?" I said,
"I thought you were nice peaceful folk;
Seems though.. you're a bunch of sadists..
Or p'raps it's some kind of sick joke.

Now Marie... she talks sorta fishy like,
Been serving seafood for too long;
"You're a bit green round the gills there lan,"
She said, "Perchance there's something wrong."

"Why do you batter your savs? " I said,
"Why can't you just leave 'em alone?"
"We do it for the colour," Marie said to me,
"So's they're nice and golden and brone."

"Just mullet over, lan " she said,
"A sav is red OK?"
"We batter 'em so's they're golden and brone,
'Cos people prefer 'em that way.

"I don't care about the cala marie," I said,
... And the people behind me just chatted...
"I want a sav that's been treated decently,
I don't want one that's been flamin' well battered.'

Now we oyster go out together...
And some lovely times we've had;
I said, " Do you batter these savs yourself,
Or do you leave the job to your dad?"

"Dad.... eel mix up a slippery batter,
'Cos his mussels are bigger than mine;
Mine are tailor-made for the job,
Mum says I do it reel fine.

"And I like to do it, lan," she said,
And her sweetlips showed not a glimmer of guilt.
I've got this bucket and rack out the back,
Dad had 'em porpoisely built.

I batter all sorts of things here," she said,
I batter chicken and fish as well."
And I always thought she was the peaceful kind,
But it just shows, you never can tell.

"Good Cod!" she said, "lan what's wrong,
You've gone all pale and wan;
I don't believe what I'm herring," I said,
"I'll flake out if you go on."

"Ex-salmon carefully your conscience,
Your part in this....... your role,
And don't be flathead having savs being golden,
Or you will flounder in your sole."

"The whiting's on the wall," I said
And she looked at the sign "Battered Savs,
I stick up for the underdogs," I said,
"The have-nots and not the haves."

"Will you place your order," the bloke behind said,
"Five minutes I've had to wait!
Do ya wanna battered sav or don't cha,
Just make your mind up, mate"

Who are the Battered Savs?

Theres an old saying or axiom if you will, that goes "you can take the sausage out of the batter, but you cant take the batter out of the sausage, but you can take the batter and the sausage out of the sauce".

When people hear the term "Battered Sav", they instantly think sporting team. But that is their first mistake. Because the Battered Savs are so much more. Think new technology, think a melting pot of new ideas, think the best technology money can buy and many nations can offer, think a combination of young men with physical and mental equals not easily found in some suburbs of greater Sydney, and think big corporation funding, but not to big. Then you will start to get an inkling of what the Battered Savs are.

The brainchild of one of the brilliant minds of our time, Arjuna (himself also a great sportsman), the Battered Savs can easily be compared to such concepts as The six million dollar man and Popstars.

The result? A sporting team at least equal to a reasonable proportion of those found at the Five Dock Indoor Cricket Centre (FDICC).

Want to know more? Even so, stay tuned as we profile these men who come together to form "The Savs" over the coming weeks.

The night a beer took on Charlie. Game from 19 Oct 2005

Anticipation was at an all time high last night, for amongst the Savs and their battered supporters a week of banter that at one stage threatened to get out of hand had filled all with an uneasiness and air of expectation. Before the game the rain was falling and the team had been rocked with the news earlier in the day of a last minute drop out by Grouch, morale had recovered though by gametime as the news filtered through that the hairbear was making his comeback, a late call up from Hollywood would ensure his place. Although this could have been an almighty blow for the team it was softened with the promise of grouch provisioning a round of selected beverages after or before one of the upcoming matches, all was again what it should be.

Hollywood won the toss and the Savs were fielding. After a team meeting earlier it was decided that due to the earlier precipitation, the ball would seem around a little bit, after the first pair left the field we were beginning to wonder if Hollywood had made a call along the same lines as the Australian Captain in the second Ashes test. It was the first pair that struck blow after blow carting most of the bowling to all corners of the rectangle. They put on 39 and the Sav’s were down. Hollywood called the team together for an inspiring speech. Savs, he said, keep your heads up! Remember the prematch plan, remember your training and show me some heart. The team was touched, for we know that in the heart of every Sav there is a sausage. Although at times our opponents may see as batter the sausage we all possess will stand firm in times of trouble. There second and third pair were no match for our bowling. It was during this middle period of the innings that the unthinkable happened, although mixed up with numerous no balls, bowling that hit the top net or bounced five times down the wicket – hairbear starting taking wickets. He displayed all of the energy skills and stiff resolve of a Sav, when the team needed it he was hard and ready for action. Hairbear caught, stumped and ran the opponents out – of course he wasn’t alone Sneeky snuck in a run out and our keeper, Apoo was so quick with his hands the opposition didn’t even have time to blink. It was the last pair though, the final 4 overs where the true Sav resolve shone through at the end of what can only be described as a World XI like collapse, the board flashed 18 when the innings completed. The target was set 44 in 16 overs could the Sav’s do it ?

It is at moments like this that a Sav is tested most, should we go all out or play it safe? Hollywood and Sneeky were first up, 39 to get. The first over went by 13 runs and it was looking good then disaster struck ! At about this time strange noises were heard over the hill, what could it be ? Later we were to find out Charlie was coming the Beers had awoken a sleeping giant. Again though the stiff resolve of Hollywood appeared, he pulled Sneeky in – keep your head down he was heard to say we can do it !

Two overs later, heroes in arms Sneeky and Hollywood 44 not out – we had already equaled our opponents score. Next in was the Pocket Rocket and Apoo. On a night like this a steady partnership was required and that it was we got. These two champions played safe and ensured the game was not released from the Sav’s grip. It was however the quiet before the storm for little did we know that the Fortress and Reebs were about to display their Battered Sav in the most magnificent way imaginable. Bang it was a four ! Bang a six ! The next ball was finessed as this display of raw Sav power and delicate batter coating was at its finest the scoreboard read 47 when they walked out of the cauldron – two magnificent sausages wrapped in batter, surely the Sav’s couldn’t lose now ? A deep breath was drawn, Hairbear arose from his throne and with the Dabber they walked into the arena. The pressure was huge and the Dabber took strike, the opponents in what was a final push had left there best bowlers to the end, these were bowlers that could actually land it on the pitch ! In the background however the clouds had again drifted in for across the path all was not right. The Beers had begun and hostile raid and Charlie was not going to stand back and take it. On the main arena, this field of dreams, Hairbear and Dabber had it all under control minus 18 was the target and at the end of the innings plus 16 would be showing. There was no need for heroics at this stage of the game a steady and cautious approach was all that was required. The crowd cheered as the final balls were bowled, the Savs stood up as one. This game was in the bag a win by 80 runs, a severe defeat by any mans measurement. Although valiant our opponents just couldn’t measure up to the Savs. We shook hands and wished our foes well, see you next time, good job mate, well done all the common courtesies were paid.

Hollywood again gathered the Savs close to himself, to our surprise however we were interrupted by an explosion – war had broken out. On court two the Beers had surrounded Charlie, they wanted blood. The Savs watched on ready to take whatever action was required for although they were tired they new this situation could get messy. The smoke cleared a deadly silence came over the field, it was an ambush and Charlie was surrounded. What would happen next ? Would it be a kiss of the dragon or a quick deathly blow to the neck of one of the Beers, a flying sidekick – the Savs were ready. In the end nothing happened, a truce was formed and peace reigned again.

The Savs departed the arena victors again. The questions remains though will this finally be the year of the Sav ?

Did we win last night? Game from 13 Oct 2005

Last night saw an interesting match between 3rd and 2nd place teams on the ladder.

As normal for some reason we were fielding 1st and trying to emulate the awesome effort in the field that we had the week before. As we looked across to the oppositions bench and saw the logo on their t-shirt "Have you had you Weet Bix" all we could think of have you eating anything at all today (Small guys)!

First pairing finished will a mild 10 runs. With confidence within the team things turned a little with the second pairing played some shots that could only be described as "Flukes" and ended up with 37 on the board. 3 pairing put on 32 and the score was 75 with the final pair to come in. With the skipper Hollywood AKA Joel " I'm so hot" Cave asked to pick a batter he went with a player who had the speed of a turtle between the wickets. Richie B who was commentating the match described the move as marvellous as the last pair had a number of run out and finished on -5 and set us a total of 70 to win

As Davo and Ockie strolled to the crease there was a sense in the air these boys are going to put something special on. They took straight away to the attack the showed their dominance and cruised to a 20 run stand and winning the first skin!!

2nd pairing of "I'm so Hot" and "Con the fruiter" aka Peter walked out and really showed the Weet Bix boys how to play the game. Taking quick runs and hitting the balls into all the nets they finished with a healthy total of 40 runs. Grace and elegance were in all their shoots and word is the 1st grade teams are eyeing them off!!! HAHA

The 3rd pairing of the night was absolutely shocking and names won't be mentioned as it is to embarrassing to mention and watch!!! :)

With the score on 70, "Man Mountain" aka Michael and "I love man Can's of beer before a game" Matt went into bat knowing that the needed to play sensible cricket and take it easy and the game was ours. They didn't go close to do that. The smacked the ball to all parts of the net, Even managing to charge down the wicket, miss the ball and still sneak in a run!!! Highlight of the night!!! The final score for the night was in the mid 120's.

The Sav's turned it on again with a convincing win at the FDICC (Five Dock Indoor Cricket Centre)...

Next week will see some challenges as we chase for the top of the ladder spot, but with the ticker of the boys should see us come home with a win.